September 30--Mess and Complication

What are you going to do? Everything, is my guess. It will be a little messy, but embrace the mess. It will be complicated, but rejoice in the complication. 
--Nora Ephron

"Wake me up when September ends." (See Sept. 24 post.) 

    I'm in the midst of a huge mess and complication. You are getting a look straight into my soul with this writing. I'm not yet at the point of embracing and rejoicing. 

    I spent months devoted to an intense self-healing journey, all for naught, because I still need hip replacement surgery, scheduled for Oct. 14. I can't stop crying. It's another in a LLLOOONNNGGG series of disappointments that has broken my relationship with myself and with Spirit.

    Certainly there are many positives in this. I'll be out of pain, hopefully, and will be able to sleep better. I'll be able to walk more comfortably for longer distances. Medicare will pay for it (as of tomorrow!!). I like the surgeon and his staff--they answered all my questions and were very reassuring. I know I can regain my strength via swimming, as I did that after the YMCA re-opened after a three-month shutdown. I am in perfect health heading into the procedure. The new hip joint, quite the birthday present, will outlive me, most likely. My husband will be a great support person through the whole process. 

    Looking at my upset and distress, messy and complicated, I've uncovered several things: 

• Disappointment has been a huge theme in my life, and this is just another in that series. And, yes, I have been working with a support person on this one for years. 
• I had this surgery scheduled a couple years ago with a different doctor, and I was really looking forward to getting it done. Then I asked one too many questions, and that surgeon cancelled on me. I'm feeling gun-shy as a result, despite the fact that this new doctor and his staff are perfectly fine. There's a undercurrent of mistrust within me. 
• Of course, there's some fear going into it, that something awful will happen, and it won't be the simple recovery everyone expects, or I'll still be in pain.
• It means even more confinement at home, and I'm already going nuts as it is.
• I don't know when I'll get to see my sons again. This is probably the most upsetting. 
• My relationship with my higher power is cracked at best, if not completely broken. I expect this to be temporary, but for right now, there's no comfort there. After spending many hours in meditation over the past few months, the thought of it now makes me gag. 

    The theme for October's writings is "Tranquility." I'm certainly in dire need of that, and will continue this saga relative to surgery and recovery as the month progresses.

    Thankful for the end of another September that sucked,

        Leta