May 19--He's Going With the Flow

Disconnect to reconnect. Unplug to get centered. Step away to come closer. Peaceful energy is just a breath away.  --Mary Davis

    Today's quote encourages getting away from our tech devices, and the larger reading suggests a "Tech Sabbath" one day a week. While I like the idea a lot, I can see that it would be, at least initially, a challenge for me. I would have to hide my phone. I shall ponder this idea more...

    My niece, two nephews and a great-nephew made the journey this weekend from Ohio to the boondocks of central Pennsylvania to release the ashes of my brother (their dad & grandpa) in the requested spot. Known in our family as "Doc Miller's dam," it is a small pond/dam in Stone Creek in Huntingdon County. My brother's idea is that he would then flow from Stone Creek into the Juniata River, then into the Susquehanna River, which eventually leads to the Atlantic, where his wife's ashes were released, and after all that, they would be reunited. In any case, he has a magnificently beautiful journey ahead through the mountains, forests and farmlands of PA. 

    I miss you, big brother!!

        Leta

The Juniata River, central PA, 
part of Arlie's beautiful journey

May 18--More Gentleness, Please

Send your light into the darkness and your peace into the world.  --Mary Davis

    Mary Davis wrote a lovely prayer in today's reading which sends blessings and peace to those touched by:

• war
• grief
• illness
• abuse
• discrimination
• depression
• poverty
• loneliness

    Unless you have been active military, most of us in the U.S. are clueless about the horrors of war. Any of the others listed, however, could hit very "close to home." I was with a friend last night whose mother and husband passed recently within a month of each other. We have both been alive around seven decades, and we agreed that grief and loneliness are just facts of life now. We have to work at it to get out of the house and be social, or depression too easily follows. 

    I would venture that most folks have been touched by one or more in the above list. Let us be gentle with one another!

        Leta

May 17--Appreciating Kindness

Kindness changes the world one heart at a time.  --Mary Davis

    My parking angels were lovingly laughing at me yesterday. I was meeting a friend for lunch at Larkspur in Old Town, and the angels cleared for me the perfect parking spot as close as I could be to the restaurant. This is very helpful as I am still regaining my walking strength. Long story short, I did not pay close attention to the text from my friend naming the restaurant, and I was in the wrong place, great parking space wasted. She warned me that parking at the correct establishment was "crazy." The folks at the first restaurant were very kind to me when I admitted my screw-up. Off I went to the intended spot, and my parking angels overlooked my dumb move and gave me another spot right next to the restaurant. How's that for kindness?!!?! My friend and I had a lovely visit despite starting a bit later than we had planned. 

    My almost-three grandson wears a cap that says, "Always Be Kind." 

        Leta

May 16--I'm OK with Boring

May the blessings of this day radiate through your smile, be helpful through your hands and shine through your heart.  --Mary Davis

    I'm noting that life is kind of boring right now, and I'll take that. My days routinely include a PT or chiropractor appointment, doing stretching and strengthening exercises, swimming, napping, watching baseball and basketball, and happy hour on our deck with my husband when he is not doing catering gigs. The big thing that is missing right now is pickleball, but I am determined to return to that passion. I am slowly "getting my life back." Having lost my usual level of activity for weeks has made me very determined to not take the simple ("boring") things of life for granted. 

    Time to stretch!

        Leta

The Denver Nuggets outstanding center court logo!

May 15--The Sacred Feminine

There is grace in the sunrise, in the light of a new day.  --Mary Davis

    This is "food for thought" from the Richard Rohr Daily Meditation from May 12:

Novelist Sue Monk Kidd describes why cultivating an image of the Sacred Feminine is so important, particularly for women raised within Christianity:  

A young girl learns Bible stories in which vital women are generally absent, in the background, or devoid of power. She learns that men go on quests, encounter God, and change history, while women support and wait for them. She hears sermons where traditional (nonthreatening) feminine roles are lifted up as God’s ideal. A girl is likely to see only a few women in the higher echelons of church power.  

And what does a girl, who is forming her identity, do with all the scriptures admonishing women to submission and silence? Having them “explained away” as the product of an ancient time does not entirely erase her unease. She also experiences herself missing from pronouns in scripture, hymns, and prayers. And most of all, as long as God “himself” is exclusively male, she will experience the otherness, the lessness of herself; all the pious talk in the world about females being equal to males will fail to compute in the deeper places inside her.

When we truly grasp for the first time that the symbol of woman can be a vessel of the sacred, that it too can be an image of the Divine, our lives will begin to pivot…. Internalizing the Divine Feminine provides women with the healing affirmation that they are persons in their own right, that they can make choices, that they are worthy and entitled and do not need permission. The internalization of the Sacred Feminine tells us our gender is a valuable and marvelous thing to be.

    I grew up with the "big scary male God." Having had a good relationship with my father, I realize that I tend to think of God as a "sugar Daddy." My concept of Something Bigger continues to develop, without modern-day religion, and that's a good thing. I am forever grateful to the 12-Step program for giving me permission to live within and connect with a Higher Power that works for me. 

        Leta

The entertaining sign of a local Wichita liquor store

May 14--"Monster Walking"

I am thankful for the blessings of this day and for the miracles that are yet to unfold.  --Mary Davis

    The first blessing and miracle of the day is that we are here breathing and primed (with coffee) for another day on planet Earth. Some of us will flow through it with ease; others will slog through it. It's a choice, and we can choose differently at any moment of the day. I am especially thankful for being able to sleep comfortably in my own bed after weeks of sleeping in a recliner.

    I have adopted this affirmation: "I am stronger every day." At PT this past Monday, the therapist started working with stretchy bands around my legs doing "monster walking." Given the sciatica-induced weakness in my left leg, these are very challenging. These are, however, the exercises that will restore my balance and get me back to pickleball. 

    It's time to do those exercises!

        Leta

My MELT band, roller and balls
are a huge part of my recovery!

May 13--All Parts Matter

    Today I am sharing a poem from the May 10 Richard Rohr "Daily Meditation." It was written by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer.

 Letter to the Parts of Me I Have Tried to Exile

I’m sorry. I thought banishing you
was the way to become better,
more perfect, more good, more free.
The irony: I thought if I cut you off
and cast you out, if I built the walls
high enough, then the parts left would be
more whole. As if the sweet orange
doesn’t need the toughened rind,
the bitter seed. As if the forest
doesn’t need the blue fury of fire.
It didn’t work, did it, the exile?
You were always here, jangling
the hinges, banging at the door,
whispering through the cracks.
Left to myself, I wouldn’t have known
to take down the walls,
nor would I have had the strength to do so.
That act was grace disguised as disaster.
But now that the walls are rubble,
it is also grace that teaches me to want
to embrace you, grace that guides me
to be gentle, even with the part of me
that would still try to exile any other part.
It is grace that invites me
to name all parts beloved.
How honest it all is. How human.
I promise to keep learning how
to know you as my own, to practice
opening to what at first feels unwanted,
meet it with understanding,
trust all belongs, welcome you home.

    This really speaks to me as there have been many parts I have tried to exile over the years. 

    Let us be loving and compassionate toward all our parts.

        Leta

At a temple in Bali...
be we frog, princess, or prince,
let us love all our parts!

May 12--MD Recap

Inhale: Love in. Exhale: Love out.  --Mary Davis

    Recently in my prayer/bead/music/meditation time, I've been simply sending love to various folks rather than asking for anything. It feels better. And I always close with this: "Please help all of us to be kinder to each other and kinder to our magnificent planet." 

    I read a Mother's Day devotional this morning, and it acknowledged the fact that Mother's Day can be quite dicey. Some beloved mothers have passed. Some mother-child relationships are not the best. Children and significant others can be forgetful. Let's just say that I'm generally glad when MD has passed. However, I had quite a fun day yesterday. I rode with two friends to Kansas City, MO, where we enjoyed "Smoga" and "Puff & Paint" classes. (I'll just leave it to your imagination or Google to figure those out.) Both my sons called, and my husband baked peanut butter cookies. All in all, I'd vote this to be one of my better Mother's Days. Plus it is over for another whole year!

        Leta

Hanging outside the warehouse
space where we had our KC fun

May 10--Precious and Amazing

We have but one precious life and so many amazing choices.  --Mary Davis

    I'm sitting here thinking about a couple of choices that I made somewhat haphazardly, and how they changed the course of several lives in addition to mine. 

    When I finished college, I wanted to get as far away as possible from my dysfunctional Pennsylvania family. I was accepted at the University of Minnesota grad school of business before I could find a far-away job, so I went to Mpls/St Paul and got an MBA, then my first post-school "real" job through which I eventually met my husband. He grew up in Missouri and I grew up in PA. Many amazing choices, including my fanatic love of baseball, happened to bring us together.

    At the aforementioned job, one spring day a coworker asked me to join the company golf league. I said that I had never played. She said, "You're athletic, you'll be fine." (I still giggle at that one!) The next day we went to a par-3 course, I rented clubs and shot 127, and nevertheless, fell in love instantly with the game. I bought a set of clubs the next day. That choice to try something new has brought me some of the best friends and experiences of my life. Best of all, it gave me the privilege of teaching my two sons to golf. They are avid golfers to this day. 

    Maybe you are thinking about some of your big choices?

        Leta

P.S. I'm taking tomorrow off to celebrate Mother's Day with two dear friends. I'll return on the 12th.

May 9--I Guess I'm "Trusting the Process"

The door that closed was not your door. Your door will invite you in.  --Mary Davis

    When I left for the "big trip of a lifetime" back in February, I was in great shape. I had been walking extra miles because I knew the trip would require many steps from me. I was doing my usual swimming and pickleball-playing. Little did I know that I would come home in pain, and now, over a month after my homecoming, my main task is to get back in shape. I am faithful doing my at-home exercises. I am walking with a cane, primarily to keep my gait as normal as possible and not mess up some other body part(s) by limping. [Here I must confess that I am a klutz and often trip over the cane because it is so foreign to me!] A few days ago, my husband offered the idea of getting a handicap placard, to which I replied, "My goal is to die without ever having one of those." I do, however, appreciate the parking angels who gift me with an extra-close space when I think to ask. 

    I guess I wrote this to point out to myself that I have made HUGE progress in healing, despite the fact that it feels like I have slogged miserably through the past few weeks. 

    I don't think I have ever claimed that patience is one of my big virtues!

        Leta

More Chihuly beauty,
Adelaide, Australia

May 8--My Preference

Have faith. Dream big. Lead with your heart. Follow your bliss.  --Mary Davis

You and I are placed in this world of hatred, violence, anger, injustice, and oppression to help God transform it, transfigure it, and change it so that there will be compassion, laughter, joy, peace, reconciliation, fellowship, friendship, togetherness, and family, and so that black and white people would want to be together as members of one family: God’s family, the human family. 
--Archbishop Desmond Tutu

    Having a narcissistic dimwit as US president, constantly scheming and lying, always in the news, it is easy to see our world as full of "hatred, violence, anger, injustice, and oppression," as he continually encourages those things. I am saddened by the level of ignorance, stupidity and greed that supports such behavior. 

    I prefer "compassion, laughter, joy, peace, reconciliation, fellowship, friendship, togetherness, and family." Therefore, I must keep reminding myself that humans are overall good, and that we CAN transform our world and change our direction for the better. This requires constant re-direction of my thoughts. 

    "Have faith. Dream big." We can get there!

        Leta

From the Chihuly Glass exhibit
in the Adelaide Botanical Garden,
Australia

May 7--Painting Emotions

I flow with what life offers me today.  --Mary Davis

    I have the option to flow or resist. Resistance takes much more energy, so right now, I'm choosing to flow. I may have to remind myself of that choice many times throughout the day!

    I have returned to painting. I was not able during the worst of the sciatica to will myself to sit and paint. Anxiety was overwhelming my creativity. Yesterday in a session with my spiritual coach, I came up with an idea for an "anger" painting. Being in extreme pain stirred up and moved a huge amount of anger through me, and now I am ready to paint it. It will be done only with fingers--no brushes or other utensils. This is likely one I will keep to myself. We shall see...

        Leta

Leta's fun with paints, several years ago

May 6--An Assortment

Listen to the heart. It always knows.  --Mary Davis

    Until I come up with another source, I will be using Mary Davis quotes from her excellent "daybook" titled "Every Day Spirit." Her daily wisdom is a bright spot in my morning spiritual practice. 

    Her May 4 writing is titled "Friends Are Diamonds." It lists the many wonderful qualities and practices of good friends. I took a photo of the page and sent it to several friends. I encourage you today to let at least one friend know how important she/he is to you.  

    Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, and nearly a dozen of us used that as an excuse to party on a Monday night. We gathered on a Mexican restaurant's patio enjoying a glorious evening of good food and silliness. This group is made up of really fine folks with whom I feel very comfortable. I am blessed to be included in the fun!

    Also yesterday I had my first application of dry needling at PT to help my sciatica situation. I consider dry needling to be the medical-insurance-approved name for acupuncture, but I know the therapist would disagree. In any case, it massively helped the "concrete" knot in my left butt cheek, that troublesome piriformis muscle. Mercifully, it did not hurt at all, unlike when I had it on my left shoulder and pectoral muscle a couple of years ago.  

    Onward, another day of healing,

        Leta

May 5--Weird Wonder

Speak low if you speak love.  --William Shakespeare

    Because having dirt under my fingernails is so good for my soul, today's topic is gardening. In a hopeful-I'll-get-over-this move, I purchased three flats of flowers--that's 108 plants. Yesterday I planted two of the flats, mostly going into pots, the rest going into our front bed. I was able to sit to plant all of it, and though I'm a bit sore this morning, I'm pleased with the efforts. I could not have done it without my husband's help as he had prepped the pots for me, then moved them to their destinations. As a reward, he now has a useful herb pot on the deck to flavor his excellent cooking. 

    There is a spot in the garden where a weird alien something has sprouted. It's sorta tough to see in the photo, but they are about 2" tall, cream-color, with a pink curved part at the top. They break off when touched and the flies LOVE them. Nothing is planted in this area. Googling suggests that they may be some kind of mushroom. Even though they creep me out, I also find them a source of wonder because in my 45+ years of gardening, I have never seen such a thing. 

    Nature is full of surprises, if only we pay attention.

        Leta

May 4--An "ah-ha" Moment

Love has nothing to do with good reasons.  --Henry James

    "May the fourth be with you." Eye-roll...

    As we move through life, we have the occasional "ah-ha" moment. One person's "ah-ha" moment can be a "duh!" to others. I had one such moment recently. One of the things I attempted to let go in our releasing ceremony in Bali was fear of aging poorly. I had a really hard time with turning 60. I suspect this is because my mother died just after turning 61. As earth rotations are zooming me toward 70, aging is more front-and-center for me, exacerbated by this lengthy sciatica recovery. 

    Back to the "ah-ha" moment... I noted that when I was in my 30s, 40s, 50s, I did not sit around pondering my demise. I just assumed that I would be around for a long time, and went upon my merry way in life. As I near 70, however, I realize that my end is much closer than it was two, three or four decades ago. However, in order to not bring doom upon myself, I need to return to operating on the assumption that I'm going to be around for a while, whatever "a while" may be. "I'm going to be here a while" is much more comforting than "my end is near." 

    What we focus on matters, and it takes constant vigilance.

        Leta

The pot of kitchen herbs 
I planted yesterday

May 3--A New Adventure

To love and be loved is the most empowering and exhilarating of all human emotions.  --Jane Goodall

    I had a new experience yesterday, a session in the Harmonic Egg. The description of this technology:

The Harmonic Egg® is a resonance chamber that uses light, color, music, and frequency to activate the body’s natural ability to balance and restore itself. The therapy is precisely controlled, consistent, and repeatable. It is non-invasive, completely natural, and safe for all ages, including babies and pregnant women.

    Before going there, I filled out a questionnaire that asks "whole person" questions about physical, emotional and spiritual health. One of the questions is "List past traumas." I answered, "I could write a book." When I was listing such in a pre-sesssion talk with Carol, the owner, so many came spilling out. Clearly I am in need of cellular-level cleansing help, so this was the perfect place to be. 

    She opened the EGG, a very large chamber with an incredibly comfortable recliner in the center. I settled in with a blanket, blue light and music for 40 minutes, followed by 10 minutes of silence. It was nap time, so of course, I fell asleep. It doesn't matter--it works awake or asleep, eyes open or closed. it just works. The goals of my first session were to relax and know what I need to do to release the sciatica issue from my body. 

    I certainly did a good job of relaxing. I don't know the answer to the second goal, but I can say that yesterday was the best day physically that I have had since this whole mess started. I actually slept in bed comfortably last night, all night long! 

    I'm signing up for a membership at Harmonic Wellness.

    Hopeful,

        Leta

From the website

May 2--Balance Must Be Restored

Because love is the meeting point between truth and magic.  --Julian Barnes

    Before this sciatica episode, I was able to stand on one leg for a full minute on each side. Now on my left side, I can't even make five seconds. I would offer this list of things not to take for granted:

• Good balance
• Sleeping comfortably in your bed
• Moving without pain
• Doing your favorite hobbies (mine: pickleball, golf, gardening, swimming, painting)
• Walking the dog
• Going out with friends
• Easily completing daily chores
• Parking far away and enjoying the extra steps
• Feeling good about your body
• Living without pain meds and sleep aids
• Soaking in a hot bath

One hour at a time,

        Leta

Our luxurious bathroom in Ubud, Bali--
a lovely tub to soak in!

May 1--Huge Help

I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.  --Vincent Van Gogh

    It did my spirit and soul great good yesterday when my dear friend and travel bud Lanie came over and helped to clean up my weed-infested garden. When she offered to help, she had no idea how big my garden is. She tackled the weeds enthusiastically nevertheless, and in less than two hours, we got most of the cleanup done. I was able to weed by sitting on my little garden stool. Lanie covered a lot more ground than I did, but it felt so good to be out there and get my hands dirty on a beautiful afternoon. Now I can look upon my lovely garden with joy rather than feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.  

    Then as a reward for our efforts, we went out for Mexican food and margaritas, woohoo!

        Leta

One of the lovely peonies currently 
showing off in my garden

April 30--Respect for Nature

If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good.  --Roald Dahl

    Let's give a huge round of applause and thanks to my next-door neighbor, who mowed our lawn last evening. It was quite furry. Her comment afterwards was "your yard is big!" 😀 

    Here are some powerful words from Brian McLaren, regarding creatures of the natural world and our relationship with them:

I have to respect their space. To me, this kind of respecting of space is a part of friendship. We have a term for people who don’t respect boundaries: We call them narcissists. They’re always impeding and crossing boundaries to take advantage of us. We humans tend to have a narcissistic relationship with our fellow creatures, but there’s an option for generous friendship that creates a kind of reverence, respect, and enjoyment.

I think this is one of our real struggles with the natural world, of which we are a part. We’re so used to being in control of things that when the natural world demands legitimate respect from us, we think it’s being hostile. This is part of our current life curriculum as human beings—to learn appropriate respect after centuries and centuries of domination. It’s parallel to what people with privilege need to learn—whether it’s white privilege, male privilege, or the privilege of the rich. Privileged people are so used to acting in domineering ways that when you ask them to show proper respect, they feel they’re being deprived or persecuted. But this respect is something we need and it’s a matter of survival right now for us to learn it.

    I'm thinking that respect is something we might ponder more deeply and apply more frequently.

        Leta

Tasmanian Devil

April 29--Enjoy a Kiss, or Several!

You should be kissed and often, by someone who knows how. 
--Margaret Mitchell

    What a lovely idea!

        Leta

Here you go... not my lips!!
(from Google images)

April 28--I Love My Bed!

What she had realized was that love was that moment when your heart was about to burst.  --Stieg Larsson

    Progress is happening. I actually slept in my bed last night, and I slept till 6:30am! I have been sleeping in a recliner for weeks and routinely waking up at 5:00am. It is a treat to wake up to daylight! And, when I had Barney out in the backyard last evening, I did some weeding and it didn't hurt. My garden is a weedy mess. It will take some time to make a full weeding pass, but every little bit helps both the garden and my mental state. I also did two sets of my stretching and strengthening exercises. I am motivated!

    It's time for another PT appointment and more progress!

        Leta

More Bali beauty

April 27--There Are Bright Spots

Love is a striking example of how little reality means to us.  --Marcel Proust

    I had an extremely rough start yesterday, hence the short post with a black hole picture. I made myself go swimming, and while slogging through that, intuitive nagging (Spirit's nudge) indicated that I should make a list of positives in my life. So here goes, admittedly done with a bit of crankiness:

• I have started physical therapy with two-times-daily stretching and strengthening exercises. 
• It could always be worse. 
• My husband is well and taking good care of me and our family. 
• I don't have a terminal illness, cancer, anything long-term-horrible.
• I am able to walk short distances. 
• I'm not having any bowel or bladder difficulties with this nerve impingement. (TMI, sorry)
• I am able to swim. 
• I have Cubs baseball and NBA playoffs to entertain me, as well as the occasional Jeopardy show and nature documentary. 
• I am able to do laundry.
• I am improving, even if I can't see it at the moment. 
• I have an angel dog Barney to keep me company, and he stays by my side so sweetly.
• I have a friend who is a dog sitter-walker and she is walking Barney everyday for me while my husband is away.
• My husband left me lots of good leftovers so it's easy for me to feed myself.
• I am enjoying my spiritual practice time even if I cry through it.
• I am able to go up and down stairs comfortably, which is helping to strengthen my legs.
• I have friends who are checking on me and inviting me to things to help save my sanity.
• I now have a good cane for walking, which doesn't hurt my hand and wrist like the walking stick did.
• I have my blankie to comfort me.
• Each day I am one day closer to my husband returning home.
• I have cut way back on pain meds.   
• My soul is getting very well rinsed. (Crying = soul-rinsing)
• I have M&Ms!

    The quote below came in an email from my PT office. No. 1 is Keep Moving. 

2. Continue Pain Free Activities -- Many people with pain initially limit their activity because they are afraid to cause additional damage. As mentioned above, staying active is very important in your recovery. We would like you to keep doing as much as you can do without increasing pain. The severity of pain doesn't always match the level of damage; with that in mind be conscious of pain, but don't let it scare you.

    That's the biggie I'm dealing with right now--fear. This is a helpful reminder. 

    Progress, not perfection...

        Leta

Indigenous art near Uluru, Australia 

April 26--Too Frustrated for Words

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.  --Bertrand Russell

    I just erased everything I had written. I'm still here, still very frustrated, making it one hour at a time. 

        Leta

A black hole

April 25--Plugging Along

The madness of love is the greatest of heaven's blessings.  --Plato

    So another morning, nearly three weeks in a row now, I started off crying due to pain. It is wearing on me. I dread going to sleep knowing that the morning is going to be hell. Affirmations of "deep and restful sleep, awaking pain-free" are not working. At this point I'm feeling like affirmations and positive thinking are complete bullshit. The Universe is laughing at them. 

    I started physical therapy yesterday, scheduled for twice a week for six weeks. I am very motivated to get my strength back. I have a good set of stretching exercises to do, plus I will add MELT and core work to the process. The therapist encouraged me to continue swimming, which I shall do. I have scheduled assorted dates with friends to get me out of the house. Cubs baseball and the NBA playoffs are keeping me entertained. I'm continuing the morning meditation practice I experienced in Bali. 

    "This, too, shall pass"--a life-saving reminder.

        Leta 

From a mural in 
Christchurch, New Zealand

April 24--A Simple Reminder

Whatever you're meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible. 
--Doris Lessing

    Writing feels impossible this morning, so I'll leave you with this reminder that I keep front and center in my Google Drive:

    One hour at a time,

        Leta

April 23--Mother's Words

Of all fires love is the only inexhaustible one.  --Pablo Neruda

It's never so bad that it couldn't be worse.  --Madeline Miller

    The second quote is some of my mother's "wisdom." I believe she used it with the "suck it up, get over yourself" attitude. As I struggle with pain and inactivity, I think of this phrase a lot. I rarely have to look very far to see someone who is dealing with greater difficulties than I am. 

    I paid a visit to my MD yesterday to have my back checked out. My goal was to get a physical therapy order, and I achieved that goal. 

    A situation I witnessed a couple days ago has given me extra motivation. When I arrived at the chiropractor's office, the doctor was outside tending to minor cuts sustained by a woman who had fallen on the sidewalk. The woman's size was beyond the ability of anyone nearby to help her up. They had to call EMS to get her on her (very shaky) feet, and it was understandably very traumatic for her. This was definitely worse than my situation. More importantly, I was headed in that very same direction of extreme obesity had I not adopted the 12-Step program as a way of life. I'm very grateful for all the folks who have supported me in my journey!

    Slowly healing,

        Leta

Plus I have this sweet love angel
Barney to snuggle as I recover...

April 22--Love Our Mother

You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.  --Louise Erdrich

 As we celebrate Earth Day today, may we commit to respecting our beautiful home. May we leave behind the imprint of our awe and gratitude. May our presence impact our surroundings in a positive way. May our footprints be gentle.  --Mary Davis 

    We are here on earth to love. That means loving the earth, every one of its creatures, every bit of its vegetation, continually celebrating all its beauty, power, diversity, and wisdom. Yes, wisdom--I believe our magnificent planet is imbued with divine intelligence just like every other bit of creation. 

    I want my grandsons to be able to travel the world over and see all the glorious sites I have seen, and more. I want them to breathe fresh air and drink clean water. Don't we all want this for future generations?!?!?! Let's get serious about our responsibility for the home we all share!

        Leta

Hoka Falls, New Zealand

April 21--Heart Wisdom

If I create from the heart, nearly everything works; if from the head, almost nothing.  --Marc Chagall

    I am using this time of healing from sciatica to do as much spiritual cleanup as possible. Over the past week, I wrote a 4th Step inventory. The character defects that surfaced have been very evident in my head for quite some time, and I attempted to leave them in the releasing exercise we did in Bali. Alas, they came home with me, and I had to open my heart and spill them out in a 5th Step ("Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs"). 

    See the March 31 post about the "wise woman" I saw in Bali. Three key things she said to me were "You have to figure it out for yourself... You have to create your own happiness... You make a big deal out of everything." This last one really hit home as I was overlooking the inventory and realized that my big central issue is taking everything personally. [See "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz: #2 Don't Take Anything Personally.] My head is involved in way more stuff than it ought to be; my heart only wants freedom for my spirit and body. 

    Slowly learning, 

        Leta

April 20--Worth the Struggle?

There is scarcely any passion without struggle.  --Albert Camus

    Because I can't play right now, pickleball has elevated to a passion for me, as I am so desperate to get back to it. I am extremely grateful that I can swim, and my husband is supporting me by driving me to and from the YMCA. 

    This is Easter Sunday. I'm not Christian, or anything else for that matter. However, I do believe that Jesus gave us the perfect example of how to live well in community. He certainly demonstrated the struggle that went with his passion for loving. 

    I visited yesterday with a friend who is a retired DO. He asked me various questions about my back and leg pain, then proclaimed "it's probably a ruptured disc, it will heal, keep swimming." My passionate intention to "stay healthy and active" is definitely experiencing big-time struggle. I am resigning myself to the fact that it may be a few more weeks before I can even begin to get back to "normal." 

    One hour at a time,

        Leta

The delicious fruit we had each morning
in Bali. The purple one is dragonfruit.

April 19--Beauty Is Essential to Loving Life

Be in love with your life. Every detail of it.  --Jack Kerouac

    I'm definitely not at the "every detail" point. 

    Below is today's "Astronomy Picture of the Day." It was created digitally from photos taken of Jupiter by the Juno spacecraft. 

    Reminders of beauty such as this make me a little more amenable to loving "every detail" of my life.

        Leta

April 18--I've Had Enough

All serious daring starts from within.  --Eudora Welty

    Yesterday I made it to the YMCA for a swim. It was heaven to be in the water. I took it easy, doing about half my usual laps. I am torn between "it hurts to move" and "I must keep moving to heal this." I had to talk to myself ("just a few more steps") to make it back to my vehicle afterwards. I think I will swim again this morning, but have my husband drop me off at the door to save steps. 

    Wanna know how I really feel?!?!?!? 

I HATE THIS FUCKING PAIN!!!!!

    Leta

Somewhere in Australia

April 17--Every Single One of Them

If you have a body, you are entitled to the full range of feelings. It comes with the package.  --Anne Lamott

    Feelings--I've had 'em all these past couple of weeks. There is the joy of being home after a six-week trip, and the frustration of sciatica hampering my return to "normal" life. Giving myself rest time to recover has led to a hefty encounter with loneliness. I even wrote a 4th step inventory on my anger, resentment, self-pity and fear. I think I have covered the "full range."

    12-Step literature refers to anger as "the dubious luxury" of normal people, but poison to the addict. I can easily get high on self-righteous anger. This is not a useful state to nourish. Learning to deal with anger, or avoid it in the first place, has been a life-long challenge for me. I learned at an early age to stuff it down. 

    Getting back to swimming and pickleball will enable me to vent a lot of aggravation. 😉😉

        Leta

At Mona Vale Garden Park, Christchurch, New Zealand

April 16--Surrendering

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.  --Henry Miller

We surrender the supremacy of our ego, our self-centered demands for power, pleasure, prestige, prominence. We surrender the supremacy of our group, whether that group is defined by religion, race, politics, nationality, economic class, social status, or whatever. We even surrender the supremacy of our species, realizing that humans can’t survive and thrive unless the plankton and trees, the soil and bees, and the climate and seas thrive too. We gladly shed supremacy to make room for solidarity. That gain, we discover, is worth every cost.  --Brian McLaren

We cannot know love if we remain unable to surrender our attachment to power, if any feeling of vulnerability strikes terror in our hearts.  --bell hooks

    Vulnerability has been in my face as I recover from sciatica, and it does strike terror in my heart. It is age-related terror--the idea of being frail and dependent, being a burden, horrifies me. This makes self-love quite a challenge. 

    It is my ego that is screaming for healing--right now, damn it! Even though I would be challenged to put it into words, I also know that the love part of me is learning, much of it through writing. 

    I do believe joy and serenity will come of all this eventually.

        Leta

One of the many colorful murals
in Christchurch, New Zealand

April 15--More Grace Please

You well know that the hours in which I hate you are those when my love for you has become a passion outrunning all reason. 
--Julie-Jeanne-Eleonore de Lespinasse

    Grace is the topic that floated to the top this morning as I headed over here to the blog. Then I opened "Every Day Spirit" by Mary Davis, and today's reading is titled "Amazing Grace Please." Ms. Davis relates a story of a woman who continually chats with God, always using "please" and "thank you." And she expects results and gets them. 

    Ms. Davis offers this suggestion: "Surrender, be vulnerable, and ask. Suspend judgment and notice how you feel after." 

    Pain and slow healing have reduced me to "please help, thank you," chanted over and over through angry, frustrated tears. "This, too, shall pass" and "One hour at a time" are also on a continuous roll through my mind. 

    Grace is healing me even if I can't see much progress.

        Leta

May grace flow like this
New Zealand waterfall...

April 14--Taking Necessary Steps

One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels.  
--Gustave Flaubert

    Ain't that the truth!?!?!?!!! I have been on a roller coaster of emotion, really ever since I arrived in Bali. That's when the backache started and continued to worsen. 

    April is the 4th month, and in 12-Step programs, the focus is on Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I have done an inventory several times in the past, but in my morning quiet time, the suggestion came through that this might be a good time for another one. Immediately anger, resentment, disappointment and self-pity spilled onto the paper. Fleshing those out revealed inner gunk that I'm certainly not proud of, but that is the whole point of Step 4--to get that crap out. I will do more writing over the next couple of days, and then gratefully give it away via Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Well! Doesn't that sound like fun?!?! Actually doing Step 5 is a huge relief and release that I look forward to. 

    More shall be revealed, no doubt,

        Leta

Hopeful that it is not a freight train coming!

April 13--Loneliness

When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.  --Milan Kundera

    One of the techniques I use to explore my inner world is writing with my non-dominant hand, in my case, the left hand. It is slow going, which gives time for insights to flow through. It also is a good tool for concentration, because I do want what I output to be legible. 

    This bout of sciatica has given me huge insight into loneliness. This is not something that has troubled me much in the past. Pain is very isolating. I'm missing pickleball, swimming and golf and the many friends that go with those activities. My husband works part-time, and I don't care for him being away. Our sweet dog Barney is often my only company, and I am so grateful for that angel of love. I see how loneliness can lead to mental issues like depression or cognitive decline. I can't say at the moment that I am grateful for these insights, but hopefully such will make me more compassionate toward myself and others. 

    One minute at a time,

        Leta

My guess is that is Mt. St. Helens,
seen on our flight from Seattle to Wichita

April 12--39!! Woohoo!!

When love is not madness, it is not love.  --Pedro Calderon de la Barca

    Today my wonderful husband and I celebrate 39 years of wedded bliss, etc. 😉😉 Anyone who has been married a long time knows that it is not all bliss. I am so grateful for his loving support as I heal. 

    I am well aware that focusing on pain and discomfort is not helpful, so I'm continually reminding myself to use my higher-consciousness affirmations: 

My body knows what to do. It is healing even if I can't recognize it at the moment. 

This, too, shall pass. 

My job right now is to heal, and that's what I am doing. 

One minute at a time.

Good will come of this somehow.

Spirit within me makes me strong. 

    I have plenty of time to keep generating good thoughts. I want my healthy active life back!

        Leta

Acknowledging beauty helps...
this is from New Zealand

April 11-Our Passions Make Us

What is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person.  --John Boorman

     Some of my passions are travel, baseball, art, numbers and various forms of exercise. Those help to shape who I am. I would be a very different person if my passions were engine repair, marine biology, social work or baking. The more I enjoy my passions, the more comfortable I am with myself. 

Even in impossible situations, have faith that a higher plan is at work and that your requests for assistance have been heard.  --Mary Davis

    As I continue to struggle with sciatica pain, I am challenged to follow Davis' advice. Crying is the main way I can cope with the pain. I am wondering how much one human can cry?!?!? Multiple prayers by myself and caring others have not yet brought me any great insight. I am certainly aware of impatience and my frustration and anger at too-slow healing. 

    The "wise woman" whom I met in Bali told me that I make a big deal out of everything. This is an idea I have been pondering. I can certainly see some truth in that sentiment. Acute pain is causing me to be concerned about my mental health. Dealing with pain takes a lot of mental energy which leaves me foggy. I don't care for that challenge any more than the physical pain. 

    One step at a time,

        Leta

April 10--Grief Overload

Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas, intoxicated by the romance of the unusual.  --Ernest Hemingway

    Today is the one-year anniversary of the transition of my dear brother, Arlie. I miss him every day. 

Lift up my fears and rain down love.

Lift up my tears and rain down joy.

Lift up my blindness and rain down sight.

Lift up my darkness and rain down light.

Lift up my doubt and rain down faith.

Lift up my grief and rain down grace. 

Lift up my challenge and rain down ease. 

Lift up my worries and rain down peace. 

           --Mary Davis

    I'm living all of those "my" things right now. I'm inviting a monsoon of all those good things. 

        Leta

Mt. Agung, Bali's highest
and most sacred mountain

April 9--More Light Please

An awake heart is like a sky that pours light.  --Hafez

    This is Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation from March 30 titled "Islands of Sanity."

Richard Rohr explores the nature of evil—and our collective complicity in it.

After all our religion, higher education, reformations, and revolutions, it seems we’re still quite capable of full complicity in deeds of death. Religions, governments, corporations, and organizations are all highly capable of evil while not recognizing it as such, because it profits us for them to be immoral. Evil finds its almost perfect camouflage in the silent agreements of the group when it appears personally advantageous.

Such deadness continues to show itself in every age. This is what the multifaceted word “sin” is trying to reveal. If we don’t see the shape of evil or recognize how we are fully complicit in it, it will fully control us, while not looking the least like sin. Would “agreed-upon delusion” be a better description? We cannot recognize it or overcome it as isolated individuals, mostly because it’s held together by group consensus. We need to be in solidarity with alternative communities and minority groups to see it. The dominant group normally cannot see its lies—in any country or context. It’s the air we’re breathing, reaffirmed at every gathering of like-minded people.

The beginning of a way out is to honestly see what we are doing. The price we’ll pay is that we will no longer comfortably fit in the dominant group! Mature religion must train us to recognize the many camouflages of evil, or everyone’s future will always be dominated by some form of denied deadness, and not just for the oppressed group; the oppressor dies too, just in much more subtle ways. 

Brian McLaren writes about contemplation as a way of sustaining our spirits and minds while suffering under systems of domination:

Solitary contemplation becomes the doorway into communion—communion with the Spirit in whom we find a new relationship with ourselves, with others, with history, and with the cosmos….

Contemplation may start in silence and solitude, but it never stops there. Especially in times of crisis, when truth is drowning …, we are drawn from contemplative solitude into contemplative community. We find ourselves hungry for communion with others who are also seeking to live examined, mindful lives, to pull aside with even two or three mindful people for deep, honest fellowship. We might come together to sit in silence for a period of time or take a walk together, letting the shushing of our feet passing through autumn leaves hush the noise of a million monkey-minds clacking to the beat of a million keyboards, hankering for our attention….

When even two or three of us gather in the name of truth, honesty, and love, in the name of courage, compassion, and kindness, we find ourselves feeling joined by another presence—the presence of Christ, the way, the truth, and the life. We listen to one another with compassion and curiosity. We speak to one another with wisdom and wonder. We turn together toward the light. And that helps us create islands of sanity in a world that is losing its mind.

    I'm thinking we could use many more "islands of sanity."

        Leta

Artwork from Sydney, Australia

April 8--Most Unexpected

To love is to burn, to be on fire.  --Sense and Sensibility, 1995 Screenplay

    I'm not making any promises on blog posts for the time being. Re-entry is proving to be extremely challenging. I figured I would take a day or two to rest then return gradually to my normal active pickleball and swimming life. My body, ravaged by travel and the emotional/spiritual journey that was Bali, has elected a path of acute pain from sciatica. Pain does not lend itself to comfy sleep. Last night I tried sleeping on a recliner coach. I did not sleep at all, and spent several hours crying. Were it not for my sweet angel-love Barney staying all night on the couch with me, I don't know if I would have made it. 

    I am so scared. Scared that this pain won't ever go away. Scared that I don't have what it takes to get back in shape. Scared of the loneliness that accompanies pain. Scared of being a crippled old lady. Just plain scared. I'm getting in plenty of soul-rinsing. 

        Leta

Sweet Barney snoozing
next to me all night

April 6--"There's No Place Like Home!"

There is no instinct like that of the heart.  --George Gordon Lord Byron

    After a warm welcome by husband and doggie, a Culvers cheeseburger and malt treat, and about 14 hours of sleep, I can finally report that I made it home on time but way over budget!!

    

6-16-16-47

    We were gone 6 weeks, went on 16 different flights, stayed in 16 different hotels. We left Taipei around 11:45 pm on Friday and arrived in Seattle at 7:30 pm on Friday, before we left Taipei. (No wonder my brain is scrambled!) #47 is the fire truck number arriving just after midnight at our Seattle Marriott where some prankster pulled the fire alarm and caused an evacuation. That was great fun for a pair who had been in planes for a very long time, sleep-deprived, and still not home. 

    We are thankful for great travels and the fact that Lanie and I are looking forward to more travels together--two weeks max, however!!!

        Leta

April 3--Last Day of Bali Tour

There is a sun within every person.  --Rumi

    This is a good reminder for me. Some shine more brightly than others. 

    Today was a very relaxed last day of our Bali tour. After chanting, meditation and breakfast, I spent several hours relaxing in or by the pool. 

    Cricket found during the pandemic an excellent massage therapist, and he had him come to our room at the resort and give us the most excellent massages. I've been dealing with nasty sciatica, and he was most helpful to me. This man makes a good living by massage, even though he charges only about $15/hour. That's how inexpensive things are here. Returning home will be a shock to the purse, for sure. 

    We had our farewell dinner this evening with the whole gang: Komang (our driver), wife Julie, children Theo (5yr) and Tasha (8mo); Edi, Cricket, Lanie, Eric (joined us a week ago) and me. The weather was reasonable and there was no rain. It was great to relax together over an excellent meal. 

    SO ready to head home tomorrow! I'm not sure when my next post will be... stay tuned.

        Leta

Flowers, flowers everywhere!

April 2--Nearing the End of Our 6-Week Journey

It is the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion.  --Rebecca West

    Less than 48 hours till we head home, yippee!

    Today we left Ubud and went to a sound-healing pyramid. We reclined inside on comfy mats with pillows under our heads and knees. There were assorted gongs played for an hour. It was heavenly relaxing!

Inside the pyramid;
note how they decorate with 
colorful flower petals

    We had a fabulous healthy lunch afterwards, and this cutie came up for some loving:

    Then we visited a wood carving establishment, which had some amazing, intricate carvings, from little sea turtles to full-size dining tables with glass tops over the carving. There were even life-size statues of Jesus and Mary. Several men sit out on the porch of the place and carve all day. 

    Our next stop was a silversmith shop, where we saw the jewelry being hand-made. Though it was beautiful handiwork, I didn't find anything I couldn't live without. 

    We have returned to our first hotel (same room even!) that is in Sanur, near the airport where we leave on Friday. Lanie and I had pizza and drinks for supper and are ready to turn in early. 

    Eternally grateful for air conditioning!

        Leta

April 1--No Foolin'--I'm Homesick

Love is many things, none of them logical.  --William Goldman

    April's quote theme is PASSION. My passion right now is to get home. The calendar turning to April means that time is getting much closer. Hallelujah!

    Today after chanting, meditation and breakfast, we drove to a coffee growing/harvesting/roasting operation and had a brief tour. Then we got to sample the varieties along with delicious fried bananas. I paid a ridiculous amount to bring home a special variety which I shall describe in future detail in another post. They also had trees in the area for many different spices such as vanilla beans, pepper, cinnamon, and nutmeg. 

    Then we drove to a hot tourist spot--rice terraces. These are on a steep hillside and we watched farmers preparing the area to plant rice. It is also an adventure spot with ziplines, giant swings and bike on a wire. 

Our view at lunch

Bike on the wire

    After lunch we drove back to our hotel in Ubud, and I spent a couple hours in and by the pool. 

    Now I shall content myself for the evening with a Cubs game and an NBA game. 

    Your party animal, 

        Leta

This is a decoration in the lobby 
of our hotel. The large golden design
in the center is made of 
corrugated cardboard,
I kid you not!