April 26--Nature Heals

Change is one thing. Acceptance is another.  --Arundhati Roy

    Don't I know that!?!?!!!

    Barbara Mahany writes about the healing that Nature has to offer us:

What are the sermons that the woods—those places of betweenness, repositories of ancient stories—might impart from their fretwork of branches and twigs, their columnar trunks and the boughs that hold up the sky? Certainly, there are tales of resilience, the way they stand against whatever time and the weather gods hurl their way, tornado or drought, ice storm or Noah-like rains. And lessons to be learned of holy communion, the way the woods and the birds and the scampering critters all keep watch, share food, warn each other of danger, create ecosystems that moderate heat and cold, store water, and generate necessary humidity. What else of the time-tested truths, laid down like the rings revealed in a fallen tree’s stump?… 

 

My temple, my mosque, my church of the woods, where the center aisle is earth rubbed raw, threadbare, not unlike a great aunt’s mothballed Persian rugs, where the vaulted halls are awash in shifting shadow and numinous light, bathed in a mystical halo, it is the holy place to which I return and return. It is a woods that preaches to me, fills me with wordless wisdoms. It is the place where I behold the awe-inspiring mystery of how I hope heaven will someday be.

Go outside!

        Leta 

Alan Seeger Natural Area,
central Pennsylvania,
my favorite spot on the planet

April 25--The Big Pull

There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. 
--Leo Tolstoy

    My most recent thoughts about my dear brother lead me to magnets. I have lived in Kansas for over forty years, but there has always been a pull back east to family in Ohio and Pennsylvania. For a long time, my dad was the big magnet until he passed in 2000. Then my brother Arlie became the most powerful connection back east. I made many a journey eastward with two young sons to keep the family connection strong. I know from experience that few will make the journey out to Kansas. I am the one who has to sustain the connection. 

    Gardening is excellent therapy for me as I ponder life without my brother. Yesterday I planted five large pots of flowers. I've added brightly-colored pinwheels to each pot to hopefully deter the squirrels from ruining my handiwork. The pinwheels are right up there with pink-flamingo tacky, but I love them! 

    Life's small pleasures,

        Leta

April 24--More Alone Time Please

Learn to be quiet enough to hear the sound of the genuine within yourself so that you can hear it in other people.  --Marian Wright Edelman

    A friend invited me to an event this coming Saturday which I know would be "good for me." My reply was, "No, thanks. Right now if somebody offered me a planet all to myself, I would take it in a heartbeat." I have enough stuff on my calendar to keep me from being a complete hermit, and that's probably a good thing. 

    Yesterday I participated in another simulated patient (SP) encounter with medical students at KSCOM. I played the role of a concerned companion to the person seeing the doctor about fainting, dizzy spells and shortness of breath. We worked with five sets of doctors-to-be, all different, dedicated and great fun. The SP opportunities are giving me an appreciation for how much doctors need to know and consider when treating folks. 

    I am needing a lot of sleep these days, trying to get my energy back. I am grateful for springtime.

        Leta

This is actually a photo 
of a Florida alligator.
Wilderness, alligators--
that's what life feels like
to me at the moment.

April 23--All Over the Place

Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.  --Buddha

And today's Notes from the Universe by Mike Dooley:

Adversity, challenges, and bumps in the road, Leta, are often the first signs that a great healing has begun.

Thinking of you,
The Universe

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I'm safely back home in the Land of Oz. I am not at peace. Just when I felt like I was making progress on my lengthy depression, I feel like I'm back at square one. I miss my brother something awful, and I was hoping to have more time with him. (Though I am happy that he is at peace.) I don't feel like doing anything, and I have a lot on my schedule. When I am feeling so overwhelmed like this, I know I need to focus on the single, one, only next thing in front of me, not the whole to-do list. If this is all leading into "a great healing," I'll take it!

    Knowing humor helps me, I offer this comically sad commentary on the dumbing-down of America: the apparent need for instructions on the toothpaste tube:

"FOR BEST RESULTS, SQUEEZE TUBE FROM 
THE BOTTOM AND FLATTEN AS YOU GO UP."

    Are there instructions on packages of toilet paper!?!?!!! 

    Stick a fork in me, 

        Leta

April 22--The Memorial and the Aftermath

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.   --Mother Teresa

    Being around friends and family for a memorial service is a great reminder that we belong to each other. Even if we don't see each other all that often, there is loads of history and love there connecting us. 

    My brother's memorial started with a three-shot military salute (which is considered "21-gun"), and the presentation of the U.S. flag to Arlie's eldest son. Arlie's three kids offered me the flag, an overwhelming gesture of love, but I wanted it to go to someone who will likely be around longer than me. It is tradition to give it to the eldest son. Then they played Taps, which completely did me in. 

    My niece had a bunch of us in the family write a couple sentences about fond memories of Arlie, and his grandson Nick held it together enough to read them during the memorial. The minister spoke briefly (that's a good thing). I would guess that between the visitation time and the service that nearly 100 folks passed through. I'd bet that nearly half those who showed up were Arlie's AA buddies. It was a fitting celebration, even though it barely touched on Arlie's amazing life. 

    So now it has hit me... since I'm the last one living from my family of birth, I'm the next one to pass. I am fully aware that this is logically a big "DUH!" But for someone who is having a hard time with aging, especially having just witnessed my brother's dreadful decline, this idea is quite troubling. 

    Arlie has always been the main reason I went back east to visit. He was my bro that I love and wanted to always stay in touch with. We talked often. Will I still feel the same draw back east? Certainly my niece (Arlie's daughter) and I are very close, and we will continue to meet up for fun. I must remember the quote above: we belong to each other.

    I'm just feeling very melancholy right now. Getting back home (final leg today) will help. 

    The processing shall continue...

        Leta

    In honor of Earth Day, I offer this Native American proverb:

Treat the Earth well: It was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors. We borrow it from our children. 

April 21--On the Move

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day.  --Ralph Waldo Emerson

    This is a great quote for the day after the memorial service for my brother. We are up early to get on the road home. I'll write about the service and celebration later. 

    We had clear weather and an easy trip today to Wentzville, where we are staying with my husband's parents. It was quite nice to split the nearly 600-mile drive with my husband. I listened to the Cubs game, one of my favorite things to do, but alas, they lost. 

    So much drive time leaves one open to considerable contemplation. I'm beginning to realize that Arlie's passing has way more ramifications for me than I could have imagined. That's tomorrow's topic. 

    Thanks for being patient with me.

        Leta

April 20--Joyful Reunion

It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.  --Ursula K. LeGuin

    The family is reunited in Ohio, at least part of it--Arlie and Sue's descendants, and several others on Sue's side, plus my husband and me ("Queen of the Miller Clan"). Though our reason for being together is the sorrow of losing Arlie, the reunion has been quite joyous. There is ongoing laughter, dog romping, photo-sharing, and reminiscing. As expected with this group, a card game capped off the evening. 

    Arlie had a glorious life journey and today we celebrate that. 

    More tears and laughter forthcoming,

        Leta

Sue and Arlie at the beach ❤

April 19--The Silence of the Heart(Ache)

The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. That's where you need to go.  --Elizabeth Gilbert

    Whether I wanted to or not, I have spent much time this past week in the silence of my heart(ache). I know my brother is in glorious bliss and peace, and I'm trying to hold that feeling, but alas, sadness takes over sometimes. Just like with my mom and dad, I'll pick up the phone and call Arlie before I realize that current technology won't do the job anymore. 

    Today we will arrive in Ohio for Arlie's memorial service on Saturday. My niece's tennis group is funding supper for the crew from a nearby Chipotle restaurant. What a kind, wonderful and supportive idea! I have brought along a man-size handkerchief for the service, and I have no doubt that I will soak it. I am grateful that no one asked me to speak, because I wouldn't get two words out before completely losing it. 

    It is a much-easier drive to Ohio with two drivers and a happy pup.

        Leta

Barney would like to drive...

April 18--Releasing the Resentments

Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.  --Buddha

    I am eternally grateful to the 12-Step programs for bringing the awareness of resentment to my consciousness. Being free of resentful thoughts is an ongoing practice for me. 

    Resentment and blaming (R&B) go hand-in-hand, and I feel like I have been indulging in too much of those behaviors recently. They hand our power away to whomever we are resenting or blaming. It's letting those folks "live in our heads rent free." That only exacerbates the R&B cycle. 

    I had an experience yesterday wherein an older woman had brought her mother to the dentist where I was having a filling done. The mother was apparently nearly deaf, because the daughter and hygienist kept yelling at her. This is a repeat of the behavior that was ongoing with my brother, who was hit-and-miss about wearing his hearing aids. If you have hearing loss, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! It is exhausting and unfair for those around you to have to yell because of your hearing deficiencies. 

    OK, I'm stepping down off my soapbox.

        Leta

April 17--How About Both?

Either peace or happiness, let it enfold you.  --Charles Bukowski

    Grief, losing a close family member, most definitely messes with one's peace or happiness. I can't say that I'm peaceful. I'm distracted, and there's a level of stress involved with that, as my usual ability to multi-task is currently failing me. I can't label myself as happy, though unhappy doesn't really apply. My brother has infinite peace and happiness now, and that is worthy of celebration. 

    Soon I will be attending Arlie's memorial service. There will be loads of family and friends there, some of whom I haven't seen in a while. Despite the tears, the whole shebang is based in love for this wonderful man. May I remember to let both peace and happiness enfold me and all who join me. 

        Leta

From last October's trip to England

April 16--Love Works Better

Least effort is expended when our actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love.  --Deepak Chopra

    The energy of love IS the only thing that exists. It is life itself. It is only natural that least effort would be expended when going with the true nature of creation, rather than fighting or resisting it. Let us learn this much sooner rather than later. 

    This morning I am feeling cranky about our "health care" system in the U.S. The system has become such a greedy, money-driven failure because the patient is NOT the customer, therefore NOT the top priority of the care provider. The actual customer is insurance, be it "health" insurance or malpractice insurance. The first action on any medical visit is to satisfy insurance requirements. 

    Here's my current "cranky-making" example. Because I have had my hip replaced, before I can have ANY dental procedure (yes, even cleaning), I have to take antibiotic pills an hour before the visit. I do not want to take these pills, and I am not concerned about an infection. This is strictly to "cover the dental office's ass," to satisfy insurance. They can mumble about this being good for me, but the real motivation is very clear. I DO have a choice here--I could lie about taking the pills, but that is not a good option because I am a lousy liar. 

    Let us be motivated by love, not insurance!

        Leta

April 15--Gradually Moving Forward

We place a happy life in a tranquility of mind.  --Marcus Tullius Cicero

    It's April 15, U.S. "tax day," and I don't care! It has been mighty fine this year not doing tax work. 

    Yesterday I described my grief this way: "I'm bored, I'm lonely, I'm tired and I'm sad." It seems like I get one or two things done, and then I'm shot. I'm easily distracted. I know this is all "normal," but I surely don't have to like it. 

    My niece and I have planned a trip to Chicago this summer. This will, of course, include a Cubs game at Wrigley Field (me: "died and gone to heaven.") She is rewarding herself for loving care of her mom and dad for many years. We are looking forward to traveling together a bunch after she retires from teaching in a few years, so along with our beach vacations, this is a good start. Navy Pier will be the site of fireworks on July 4, our first day in Chicago. No doubt many good memories of her mom and dad will be shared.

    My husband, with his boundless energy, installed a new storm door on our front entry. It is awesome, with a retractable screen that will allow lovely breezes to flow through our house. 

    One day at a time,

        Leta

Barney checking out
the new door

April 14--Priceless Words: I Love You

There is no way to peace, peace is the way.  --Mahatma Gandhi

    Well, war certainly is not working. Why can't our leaders, who are supposed to be intelligent (the jury is still out on that one!), see that?!?!?! 

    Dear friends have been so loving and supportive as I grieve. Several of them went together and had a bouquet of flowers sent to me. I literally cannot remember the last time I received flowers, so it is an incredible treat! Cards, texts and emails have been flowing in. I am so grateful for all the love. 

    The last thing I said to my brother was, "I love you!" He said the same back to me as I was heading out the door for what was the last time. While Sue, his wife, was still alive, she had even more health issues than Arlie, so my niece, Debi, spent a lot of time with Mom. I share my niece's favorite memory of her dad: "My most impactful memory has been the last 1 1/2 years with Dad after Mom died. We shared so many precious moments together from the agony of taking him to Walmart, to coffee and conversation by the fireplace, to hearing him say 'I love you' for the last time." 

    Even though we were not geographically close, I shall miss my bro every day!

        Leta

The lovely flowers I received 😂

April 13--From Here to There

You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.  --Amy Poehler

    A phrase I repeat often is "Ya gotta start somewhere." I think too-lofty goals kill many a project. Take exercise for example. If you have not moved much in the past few years, you probably cannot comfortably hike several miles, but you can walk to the end of the driveway and back. 

    As I continue to love up my brother who just passed, I see that this quote most certainly applies to my next tribute to him. He was an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous for several decades. Entry into a 12-Step program requires at its very foundation a recognition of where you are (hopeless addict) in order to get where you need to go (productive human in recovery). Arlie's family has no idea of how many other alcoholics he helped, but I would guess it numbers in the dozens. He was a self-admitted tough sponsor, because that's how he was sponsored. To the very end of his life, his most sought-after activity outside his care home was going to a meeting. I was honored to attend several with him, and being a recovering addict myself, even though not an alcoholic, the group members welcomed me with open arms, just because I am "Arlie's sister." Many AA members showed up at the memorial service for Arlie's wife, and I expect there will be even more at Arlie's celebration. 

    Generosity of Spirit--that was Arlie.

        Leta

Arlen Miller, Army Ranger
(and very handsome!!)

April 12--Long Time Love

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday.  --A. A. Milne

    For sure this sounds like something Winnie the Pooh would say. When I am walking my dog Barney, and he is pulling hard to get somewhere, I tell him, "We're gonna get there, hang on."

    Amongst the sadness and activity of my brother's passing, today we celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary. We had a lovely Italian dinner last night. My husband is going to commemorate the event by installing a new storm door on the front of our house. I truly appreciate his love of projects. 

    My brother Arlie and his wife Sue were married for 61 years. They brought a daughter and two sons into the world. The beach was always a favorite vacation spot, and I was blessed to be included in many of those adventures. My brother often stated that his purpose in life was to take care of Sue, and he did a super job of that. It was not hard to see Arlie's enthusiasm for life take a sharp decline when Sue passed in September of 2022. 

    More memories, more love,

        Leta

Arlie and Sue on their wedding day, June 1961

April 11--Sad, Not Sad

In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion. 
--Albert Camus

    As I was writing yesterday's blog post, my beloved brother had already passed, at 12:30 am Eastern time. He transitioned peacefully in his sleep. His daughter and a grandson were with him. At last he is enjoying his one desire--to be with his wife. I am grateful his suffering is over, and ecstatically happy that I had the two weeks with him at the end of March.

    Yesterday was an exhausting day of sharing the news with lots of tears. I did some gardening therapy, then played pickleball for the satisfaction of smacking something around. 

    I am now the only remaining member of my family of origin. Mom passed in 1979; Dad, in 2000; Ken, in 2006; Arlie, in 2024. Both my brothers' wives have passed, too. I feel like an orphan. My nephew has now declared me "Queen of the Miller Clan." I debated for a bit driving back to Ohio again for the memorial service because of needing to do considerable schedule rearranging. However, I realized quickly that this may be one of the last times most of the family gets together, and I couldn't bear to miss that. 

    Sliding all over the emotional spectrum,

        Leta

Arlie and I in 2021

April 10--Waiting and Remembering

Peace is always beautiful.  --Walt Whitman

    So is a Cubs grand slam. That happened last night after I had turned off the game to sleep, exhausted after another emotional day relative to my brother. Peace is coming soon to my brother. His transition will leave grief and peace intermingled for family and friends.

    My bro has always been a dog lover. Early on his family had a dachshund, followed by an insane beagle that got into everything. Finally they settled their dog preference on Golden Retrievers, and he had three fantastic ones over the years--Jake, Ben and Shadoe. Jake and Ben made Arlie move--he was always on the go with them. He would take them to local lakes with a tennis ball for hours of retrieval fun. By the time Shadoe came along, Arlie's legs had weakened due to circulation issues, and he could no longer keep up with the dog. Arlie and his wife made the very painful decision to return Shadoe to the original owner. Nevertheless, any time Arlie sees a dog, he lights up. 

    More memories as time passes,

        Leta

 

Last night's sunset from
Clearwater, Kansas

April 9--A Rock and A Hard Place

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.  --Marcus Aurelius

    First of all, the present is disturbing me greatly, because (1st World Problem), the internet has been up-down, up-down for the past 18 hours, and all I want to do is numb out. Why, you ask? Because the future is disturbing me, too. It would seem that a future without my brother is imminent, and I don't like that one bit. Alas, I also do not want to see him suffering, and that has been the case for some time. 

    End-of-life decisions are the proverbial "rock and a hard place." Quality of life is a huge factor, but who decides what "quality" is? Your idea and mine may differ. Our beliefs about the afterlife may be wildly divergent. I certainly get it when a person is simply done with the struggle and ready to move on. For those remaining, emotions are flying all over the place. Sadness, relief, grief, joyful memories, regrets, anger--the entire emotional spectrum can be covered in a short time. 

    One day at a time!

        Leta

It nearly all went to Goodwill. Even though 
my emotions are a mess, my cabinets are
now much cleaner. 😉😉

April 8--The Inside Job

Our work for peace must begin within the private world of each one of us. 
--Dag Hammarskjold

    If we do not experience peace within ourselves, we cannot bring it into the world. Chaos and conflict simply attract more of the same. If you have enjoyed inner peace, you know that it is a priceless gift as well as a state to cultivate. Guns, violence, war, "us vs. them," none of these can ever create peace. 

    Serenity within allows us to live and let live. As James Finley puts it: "Everyone’s an infinitely loved, broken person in a fleeting, often not-so-fair, gorgeous, lovely, unexplainable world."

        Leta

April 7--Like It Or Not

You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it.  --Yann Martel

    Things are deteriorating for my brother in Ohio. While it is true that one always has a choice, in this instance, none of the choices seem to be good ones. He may very soon get his #1 choice, to be with his wife who passed in 2022. I am so incredibly grateful I was able to spend the last two weeks of March with him. 

    Now there is more grief on the horizon. Is there always grief on the horizon? I guess as one gets to "senior" age and friends and family are passing, grief becomes a nearly constant companion. I can't say I like that much. Grief is tiring. It feels like no one else understands. It can't be "fixed." We simply have to summon the resilience to see it through. 

    One day at a time,

        Leta

April 6--This Nerd Loves Color

Read, or sit in revery and watch the changing colors of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind.  --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    I was watching the Cubs beat the Dodgers last night. I love the TV announcers, Boog Sciambi and Jim Deshaies. JD is a former MLB pitcher. They are a hoot together. Boog, a self-proclaimed nerd, was asking JD if he feels he is a nerd, and is he OK with that. JD agreed that he is a nerd and dropped this one: 

I think most nerds embrace nerddom.  --Jim Deshaies

I'm right with you there, JD! 

    I'm back to gardening, and there is plenty of colorful creativity going on in my mind. I'm imagining pots of herbs and flowering annuals, lily bouquets on my desk and dinner table, and juicy tomatoes and basil pesto to nourish us. 

    I would also offer that Longfellow's quote is how my last two straight-line paintings came to be. The idea (wave on my mental seashore) just came to me, along with a sample of colors I like together. My geometry-nerd self chose a shape to work with (quadrilateral on one, odd number of sides on another), and I went with it. It is an awesome energizing experience to let a project grow that way.

    Those waves are creative joy!

        Leta

April 5--In the Garden

You've got to learn to do everything lightly... Yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 
--Aldous Huxley 

    Huxley offers a great idea here--clearly it's a practice to learn to not take life and oneself so seriously. 

    I love spring! Yesterday I started seeds for basil, roma tomatoes and serrano peppers. Most of my early spring garden work goes into the trash--weeds, twigs, deadhead material. I'm OK with that, because what is left, so much green, is bursting. There are buds on the peony bushes. My 50 new lily bulbs in the front bed are starting to peek through the mulch. At least some of my hostas are returning. I'm anxious to see if last fall's sowing of wild sunflower seeds will sprout. I have one red tulip that keeps coming back--it is a fighter, and I don't have the heart to pull it out. It's time to get the pots ready to plant annuals in a couple of weeks. Let the battle with the squirrels begin!

    Note the title of this blog. That is an "old-time" hymn and my favorite. I sang it so often as a kid in church that I know all the words to all the verses. 

    Loving Mother Earth,

        Leta

That one very determined tulip!

April 4--Acceptance Yields Serenity

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them, that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.  --Lao-Tzu

    This quote reminds me of the acceptance passage from the AA Big Book, always a worthwhile review: 

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgment, or assistance!

    There is so very little over which I have any control!

        Leta

 

It's time to get seedlings started...
tomatoes, peppers, basil, oh my!

April 3--All Works Together for Gooder 😉

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose.  --Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

    I am happy to report good news relative to my brother. He has been signed up for Hospice care. This is no longer a sign of impending death. It is a sign that he will now be able to get consistent pain relief and additional care that has been haphazard or lacking in his living situation. It is a big relief for all involved, especially my brother!

    I most certainly concur with the opening quote. However, it sometimes takes me a bit to know the purpose, especially of things I consider negative. I offer a couple of examples. My mother's death when I was 23 was grossly unfair at the time, but turned out to set me free for a life of exploration and growth that would likely not have happened otherwise. My newborn twin great-nephews needing heart surgeries right after birth--helping with their care created family bonding that continues to this day, and both boys are healthy and thriving. 

    Good can be found in every situation--sometimes we just have to look really hard.

        Leta

Barney loves to lick the dirty silverware.
He is so smart--he stays away from the dishwasher 
when the dishes are clean. 

April 2--I Blame ...

Don't be too quick to draw conclusions from what happens to you; simply let it happen.  --Rainer Maria Rilke

    This is certainly a lofty goal, easier said than done. 

    I've had the topic of blaming in my face lately. It has shown up in several unrelated daily readings. I could blame my mother and brother for inspiring the blaming habit in me 😉😉 This is a character defect that has been keeping me discontent at best for a long time. Serenity (our topic of the month) and blaming cannot coexist. Nor can blaming and gratitude. Something happened within me during my recent Ohio visit. In discussing the good points of the main person I had been blaming, I realized that MY blaming, not that person's behavior, has been blocking my personal joy, love and serenity. Awareness is my first step in dropping the blaming habit. I suspect I will find that I have been blaming in multiple directions. 

    Always learning,

        Leta

Astronomy Picture of the Day, April 2,
by Phil Hart... the solar corona

April 1--Home Again

Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see... Every breath we take, every step we take, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity... The question is whether or not we are in touch with it. We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment.  --Thich Nhat Hanh

    As you may guess, April's theme in "Daily Kindness" is serenity. 

    There was very little traffic on my drive home yesterday, I assume because of the Easter holiday. I am so glad to be in Kansas' warm spring weather rather than the wintry stuff hanging on in NE Ohio. I was delighted to see the redbud trees blooming all across Missouri. My journey totaled just over 2,300 miles. When I drove onto the court, I saw my husband and Barney in the backyard. I parked the Spaceship (our RAV4) and walked around the corner of the house. When Barney saw me, he took off running full speed to me and did a wild happy dance. It was so cool, moments of total joy! 

    I'm looking forward to getting back into my routine of pickleball and swimming. My golf league starts soon and the garden is sprouting lots of vibrant green. 

    Hooray for spring!

        Leta

Redbud blossoms--a sure sign of spring!

March 31--Only 400 More Miles!

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself. 
--Michel de Montaigne

    If enjoying time to oneself is an indicator of this, I think I have this one nailed. I don't think I could stand all the solo driving I do if I didn't feel like I belonged to myself!

    I did 585 miles yesterday. The morning started with a spectacular sunrise, so awesome that I called my niece and told her to get outside and see it. I went through some nasty rain in Ohio, but the rest was sunny, dry and smooth. I had a nice visit with my in-laws, got to bed early, watched some baseball, and now I'm on the last "leg" home. My husband will be happy to see me, but our dog Barney will go nuts. I can hardly wait!

    Onward,

        Leta

Looking forward to a KANSAS sunset!

March 30--Headed Home

Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.  --Rumi

    I'm asking myself for a safe, easy 600-mile drive back to my in-laws' home today. My last day of Ohio fun included a pedicure and lovely Ukrainian dinner with my niece and friends. I had a good closing visit with my brother. I am sad to leave, but ready to be home. Would someone please get to work on "Beam me up, Scotty"?? 

    My niece and I have had discussions about what to pray for relative to my brother/her dad. His quality of life continues to deteriorate and his pain continues to intensify. He is not getting any sharper mentally. He has said that he is wishing for "the big one." That's a stroke that ends him--he is convinced that is what is going to take him "home to be with Sue." It is so painful to watch him suffer. It feels OK to pray that his wish to be with Sue be fulfilled. 

    And of course, like every day I've been here, we finished it off with a few rounds of Rummikub. I am so grateful for the time here!!!

    On the road again,

        Leta

My niece's newly alphabetized spice rack 😉😉

March 29--A JOYOUS Reunion ❤❤❤

Accept who you are; and revel in it.  --Mitch Albom

    I'm not sure if I'm at the point of reveling in it yet; some days maybe, like when I get Wordle in only two or three tries. 😉😉

    I had the most outstanding opportunity yesterday to revel in my life. I visited a cousin whom I had not seen since I was 2-3 years old. In 1958, she left home in central PA to go off and marry an African American man. This was simply NOT done in my family, she was disowned at the time, and my parents forbid me to even mention her name. It was an "atomic bomb" dropped on the family. Fast forward to 2024. Her extended family of 3 children, 8 grandchildren and 2 great-grands are all successful, productive citizens. She worked as a nurse most of her life. I gave her the synopsis of my life, filling me with gratitude for how far we have both come from the boondocks of PA. She gave me some photos, too, which you'll see on the blog at some point. The best thing--I asked her when her mom (my aunt Virginia) died, and she pulled out her Bible with a wealth of family info (see my photo below). 

    Alas, try as I might, my brother was not able to make the trip. His hearing aids were not charged once again, and he argued with me, then fell asleep. He's had a rough week since his fall last Saturday. 

    Time to swim!

        Leta

Priceless family info!

A selfie of me and Marlene

March 28--PLAY BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.  --Barbara Kingsolver

    While this quote is designed to be encouraging, there is for me an element of sadness. My giant hope of being an involved grandmother has been so dashed that there seems to be no chance of living inside it. I'm just now crawling out of the pit of depression that realization threw me into. Now my hope is a productive, fun life with other priorities, so I've been getting myself involved in pickleball, simulated patient work, and more travels. I've had to figure out new hopes to live in. 

    Yesterday's plan to take my brother to an AA meeting did not happen. When I arrived to pick him up, his hearing aids were "out of juice" and in his pants pocket, so there was no point in going to a meeting where he couldn't hear anything. I left him to nap. I went back later, took him down to the fireside with coffees, and we had a delightful visit talking about our assorted athletic adventures. He was quite the athlete in his younger years. 

    I'm heading back home in a couple of days. I can feel some sadness "working its way to the surface." However, today is OPENING DAY of baseball season, my favorite day of the year. My Cubs shirt is ready to go!

        Leta

I've been to every ballpark!!!

March 27--Love Chooses Its Own Route

Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed or teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought.  --Pearl S. Buck

    I grew up in the boondocks of Pennsylvania, and my husband grew up in the suburbs of St. Louis. A miraculous, multi-year series of events brought us together. Who knew, at the time, where each of those decisions (such as jobs and locations) would lead?!?! I would also throw in here that my extreme love of baseball played a huge role in our romance. 😉😉

    I enjoyed breakfast yesterday morning with my brother in the main dining room. He is a West Point graduate, served in the Army for many years (including two separate years in Vietnam as an Army Ranger), so he is into all things military. I asked him about two of our uncles who served in WW2. Uncle Ed, a total character, was in Italy and used the time to drink as much wine as possible. My brother said he never ranked above private. Our other uncle, however, Uncle Peck, was wounded in the battle/landing at Anzio and was awarded a Silver Star, the third highest combat decoration in the Armed Forces. Who knew?!?! Even though my brother can't remember what he did earlier in the day, he has a wealth of knowledge about times long past and family history. He is a great story-teller.

    Loving the time with my brother,

        Leta

Getting the 5-minute buzz cut

March 26--Survived It!

Insist on yourself.  --Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Part of me says that they didn't know about narcissism when Emerson penned that one! 

    OK, this is getting depressing. For the second time during this Ohio visit, someone who knows my brother asked me if I am younger or older than him. I told my niece that I am going to smack the next person who asks that. Geez. 

    Yesterday my brother and I accomplished the big task of any visit here--I took him to Walmart. Note that I despise Walmart, and I only go there with him because I love him so much, and he loves Walmart so much. We used his wheelchair instead of the walker, so the visit was quicker and more comfortable for both of us. He picked out his favorite snacks. The nasty deed is done for this trip.

    We had a lovely sunny day yesterday, and I was able to walk in the afternoon wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Today it is chilly with pouring rain. Sigh.

    Onward,

        Leta

March 25--Insincerity Is Tiring

The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere. 
--Anne Morrow Lindbergh

    This makes me think of the often-abused phrase "I'm fine!" To me, "fine" stands for Fu&(*ed up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. I've used "I'm fine" many times with this meaning, and it was taken to be that I really am OK-fine, and I let it go at that--insincerity at its finest. 😉😉 I totally agree with Ms. Lindbergh's sentiment. 

    My niece and I took lunch to my brother yesterday. It was one of life's finest culinary treats--homemade tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, topped off with ice cream. He loved it. We taught him how to play Rummikub. He was a good sport through one round, but he said it took too long, and he didn't like it. The colors frustrated him. But considering he is living in a memory care unit, he did great. We parted for naptime, and my niece and I finished off the day with a few hours of Rummikub. Yes, we are addicted 😄

    You can know that I REALLY love my brother, because today I'm taking him to Walmart. 

        Leta

In the "Sports Bar" 

March 24--Our Minds Are Free, Let's Work Toward OPEN

I know but one freedom, and that is the freedom of the mind. 
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

    "Freedom of the mind" reminds me that we ALWAYS have a choice. If we are facing a required task, we at least have the choice of doing it with a good attitude or a bad one. This freedom also promises responsibility--WE choose our thoughts, no one else does. Every thing comes first from a thought. Because thoughts become things, it is up to us to choose the thoughts that create our desired outcome. 

    Yesterday's time with my brother did not happen. As his daughter and I were about to go visit, she received a call that he had fallen and was being taken by ambulance to the emergency room. They patched up his wounds with lots of skin glue (no stitches) and returned him to his care home. He was aware through it all, but by the time I got over to see him after supper, he was sound asleep and snoring. 

    One day at a time,

        Leta

Along the bike-hike trail yesterday

March 23--Words = Actions

Let us say what we feel, and feel what we say; let speech harmonize with life. 
--Seneca

    I would also offer it this way: Let our words and our actions match. I see that the dysfunction in which I was raised exposed me to multiple instances in which the words and actions were completely incongruous. I am even experiencing this situation with some close family members now. It feels yucky, confusing, and frustrating. It makes one question one's sanity. 

    Yesterday I had another lovely swim at the Akron YMCA. Then I loaded up my brother and we went to another AA meeting. This time, due to the distance to the meeting room in a very large building, he agreed to use the wheelchair. I was a bit klutzy pushing him at first, but I learned. It worked out very well, saving his very sore feet from a lot of unnecessary walking. And it was a great meeting. 

    In the evening, we had a 4-girlfriend chat with Mexican food and drink, a lovely way to celebrate Friday. 

    I got to sleep in this morning!

        Leta

I'm longing for Florida weather!

March 22--Sometimes You Just Gotta Laugh

The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection. 
--George Orwell

    Having been raised by the poster child for perfectionism, I know it well. As my life has progressed, and especially with the help of the 12-Steps, I continue to learn how insidious perfectionism is, and how damaging. Letting it go (yes, a practice!) has been a huge relief. 

    I know that many folks, including me, look at our phones to see what day it is. We can count on the phone to have that item nailed for us. Alas, my brother does not agree. Yesterday he said, "All day yesterday my phone said it was Thursday; then all day today my phone said it is Thursday!" I couldn't help it, I busted up laughing. 

    If there is pickleball (PB) to be played in this area (Akron/Stow/Hudson/Cuyahoga Falls), I can't find it. Yesterday I went to the Falls YMCA for the listed PB time and I was the only person there. I practiced my serve and dinked against the wall for a half-hour. I couldn't find anything but a private listing on Playtime Scheduler. I thought the entire country was nuts about PB, but apparently it hasn't hit here yet. This makes me appreciate the abundant play opportunities I have in the Wichita area. 

    TGIF!!

        Leta

March 21--WHAT?!?!?!

In trying to please all, he had pleased none.  --Aesop

    AAAARRRRGGGG! People-pleasing! Codependent behavior. Common characteristic of addicts. I know it well. Not only does it really please no one, it makes the people-pleaser frustrated at himself or herself. People-pleasing is a symptom of wanting to control others and situations, and also an intense desire to be liked. 

    I had two delightful hour-long Q&A sessions by the fireside with my brother yesterday. I had a great lap swim to start the day, and my niece and I finished off the evening with more Rummikub. The low point of the day was when the care-home hair stylist came by to chat with my brother. I made a comment about being "the bossy sister," and she said, "Are you younger or older than him?" WHAT?!?!?! He's 16 years older than me, has to use a walker, can barely lift himself out of a chair. Do I look that awful!?!?!?! Geez. It was one of those set-you-back-a-few-paces moments. Oh, well, I'll recover.

    Hopefully today I will be able to get into a pickleball game or two. 

        Leta

I'm missing my sweet Barney...

March 20--The Tiny Flowers Are Just As Beautiful

If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its loveliness. 
--St. Therese de Lisieux

    This makes me think of the lowly, annoying dandelions that I am regularly plucking out of our yard and garden. I also think of the dandelion bouquets my sons brought me, and the joy of a child blowing away a puff of dandelion seeds. I am certain dandelions are a valuable part of the ecosystem whether or not we like them. 

    I spent an hour yesterday sitting with my brother at fireside while he talked about his several best friends from West Point. He had his days of being a "rose," as he was an Army Ranger and achieved the rank of Colonel. Miraculously, he survived two separate years in the Viet Nam war. He supported a family of five with a stock-broker career after the Army. He mentioned yesterday about how he had a big life, but most folks around him now (in the care home) will never know. Humans come and go, as do tiny flowers, and they are only known by the people they have touched in their ever-so-brief lifetimes. Some "roses" make the history books, but the vast majority of us do not. 

    Let us be generous with love and appreciation for the folks in our lives, be they roses or tiny flowers. 

        Leta

As in life, there are many more
tiny flowers than roses.

March 19--The Free Soul?

The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it--basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.  --Charles Bukowski

    I am blessed to have a lot of folks with whom I feel very good. I'm not sure they are "free souls" though. I think all humans have their own brand of neuroses--that's what makes us unique and lovable. When I think of free souls, I think of Jesus, Buddha, St. Francis and the like. And yes, I believe I would feel very good hanging with any of those folks. 

    "When life hands you lemons..." Yesterday morning I got up early, got myself together (so I thought), and drove the 12 miles to the Y to swim laps. Long story short, I forgot my swimsuit. Major dolt move. So I returned "home," and chopped veggies for soup instead. My nephew and I then roused my brother and took him to an AA meeting, where several of my brother's long-time buds were delighted to see him. Afterwards we made a stop at Handel's for ice cream, a tradition that must be upheld at least once in every visit I make to Ohio. We dropped off my brother so that everyone could settle into naptime. I made lentil soup for supper, and the evening was complete with many rounds of Rummikub with my niece and nephew--siblings used to a life of picking on each other 😉😉

    Today is the equinox, the first day of spring, and there is about three inches of snow on the ground here in Stow. I'm still cranky. 

        Leta

Sure, it's pretty, but...

March 18--Snow and Comfort

This above all: to thine own self be true.  --William Shakespeare

    I wondered when this one would show up. It's the ultimate "authenticity" quote. 

    Yesterday included grocery shopping, a 2-mile walk, the arrival from Michigan of my nephew, and a St. Pat's dinner with niece, nephew, brother, and two great-nephews. Alas, the day also included several snow showers. It's almost "officially" spring (and it has been in my mind for many days now), so snow makes me cranky. More of this is predicted for the week. Oh, well.

    "To thine own self be true." When I leave home for an extended driving trip like this one, I bring along my blankie and Ted Bear. They are both with me on the bed as I'm writing this. Ted Bear is my copilot. He's been with me for about 55 years. Yep, that's right--68 years old with a blankie and bear. Both give me comfort and a sense of peace, each holding lots of love. Who doesn't need a bit more comfort, peace and love these days!?!?!

    Time to head to the YMCA for a swim!

        Leta

The one and only, Ted Bear

March 17--Not Lost

If you don't know what you love, you are lost.  --Haruki Murakami

    I did not get lost, and I made it to Stow in the late afternoon yesterday. I immediately had fun with those I love--my niece drove us to meet friends at a brewery where we had beers and yummy food and played a few rounds of Rummikub. After driving 1000 miles in two days, I slept like the dead. 

    I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what I love. Family and friends sort of go without saying, though I just said that. 😉😉 The thing that I love that bubbles up first for me is creativity. I've gone through a multitude of creative hobbies and projects in my life. Recent things are crocheting, gardening, and painting. Second is movement. I've been a lap swimmer and golfer for decades, adding in yoga and Melt teaching, and most recently, getting hooked on pickleball. Third is traveling. You say "trip," I say "let's go!!!" 

    Happy St. Patrick's Day!

        Leta

I love numbers and palindromes!

March 16--Nearly Half-Way There

Do not ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. 
--Howard Thurman

    Traveling makes me come alive, and I am 40% of the way to my destination in Ohio. I had a lovely visit with my in-laws last evening, and now I am heading out very early to make Stow by supper time. I have audio books and a Cubs pre-season game for my listening pleasure. 

    More tomorrow,

        Leta

March 15--Artist?

Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds.  --George Eliot

    I grew up with the idea that art was the "Mona Lisa," the stuff in museums, and ordinary folks like me had no hope of such extravagant talent. My high school art teachers made it clear that I should not plan to make a living from my artwork. My dad flatly stated, "There is no musical talent in the Miller family." I proved this for myself by failing the chorus audition, and ultimately failing at piano lessons in my late twenties. 

    Fast-forward to around seven years ago when I attended a drink-wine-and-learn-to-paint event with friends. Holy cow. Van Gogh I am not, but you could tell what I painted was flowers. I can paint! That inspired me to take several art classes at Wichita City Arts with varying degrees of success. The important part was that it got me thinking about what I could paint. 

    This had me considering that I am an artist. I have evolved as a painter, recognizing that I love straight lines. I have written and published two books. I have written the blog daily for years. I create beauty in my garden and flower pots. I have stained-glass stepping stones in my garden that I made years ago. I have turned many a skein of yarn into useful and beautiful blankets, scarves, etc. 

    So yes, you can call me an artist.

        Leta

The painting that started it all...

March 14--"Love" Out Loud

Be brave. Be authentic. Practice saying the word "love" to the people you love so when it matters the most to say it, you will.  --Cheryl Strayed

    I don't have a problem with saying "I love you" to folks. I even say it regularly to my distant grandson and the new grandbaby growing in his/her mom's belly, because I believe their spirits know it somehow. It's impossible to spread around too much love!

    Love is the #1 motivation tomorrow as I begin the 2-day, 1000-mile trip to Ohio to visit my brother and niece for a couple of weeks. The drive is totally worth it. I'll have my Spaceship (RAV4) to haul my brother to appointments and 12-Step meetings (bonus for me!), giving my niece a break. She and I will have great fun together, most notably through intense Rummikub games. I am also likely to see a cousin whom I have not seen in decades. Friends tell me I am brave making such trips several times a year. I see it simply as the price I pay to have precious time with my brother and his family. 

    My dear readers, I love you!

        Leta

March 13--Natural?

You prefer to be natural? Sometimes. But it is such a very difficult pose to keep up.  --Oscar Wilde

    What does "natural" even mean? In my google roaming, I found "natural" described as "simply being true to themselves and not conforming to rigid societal expectations." That doesn't help much. I think "natural," like "beautiful," is a personal concept. I've seen plenty of advertising for gobs of makeup to make one look "natural." Others, like me, feel that no makeup is "natural."

    Crying is a very natural and necessary function of the human body. I refer to crying as soul-rinsing, and yesterday I got extra-natural with a mighty energy-releasing cry. The frustrations built up over a few days simply had to move out, and I feel much better.
    Mr. Wilde is right... with so many expressions of "natural," it is "a very difficult pose to keep up." 

    "Natural" to me includes comfy clothes, wind-blown hair, clean skin, a smile, and a grateful heart. Yes, it's a practice!

        Leta

Natural beauty from the sea

March 12--Good vs. Authentic

Don't worry about being good... Aspire to be authentic.  --Yann Martel

    I think my upbringing inspired more "being good" than being authentic. It was made quite clear that if I got into trouble at school or wherever, I would be in WAY more trouble at home. There were also several "elephants" in the room that were ignored--no authenticity there! I remember my Catholic sister-in-law being forced by my mother to give up her religion in order to marry my (non-practicing) Lutheran brother. Thankfully my S-I-L returned to her Catholic roots after my mother passed. 

    I had a "day from hell" yesterday. By the time I returned home around 2:00 pm, the day was pretty much wrecked, and I hid in the woman cave for a few hours in the hopes that nothing else would go wrong. The "snowball" of anger and frustration just kept getting bigger. 

    Thinking positively for a better day today,

        Leta

Bobble stitch,
the new crochet pattern I've learned...
creativity is a must for my sanity!