April 27--There Are Bright Spots

Love is a striking example of how little reality means to us.  --Marcel Proust

    I had an extremely rough start yesterday, hence the short post with a black hole picture. I made myself go swimming, and while slogging through that, intuitive nagging (Spirit's nudge) indicated that I should make a list of positives in my life. So here goes, admittedly done with a bit of crankiness:

• I have started physical therapy with two-times-daily stretching and strengthening exercises. 
• It could always be worse. 
• My husband is well and taking good care of me and our family. 
• I don't have a terminal illness, cancer, anything long-term-horrible.
• I am able to walk short distances. 
• I'm not having any bowel or bladder difficulties with this nerve impingement. (TMI, sorry)
• I am able to swim. 
• I have Cubs baseball and NBA playoffs to entertain me, as well as the occasional Jeopardy show and nature documentary. 
• I am able to do laundry.
• I am improving, even if I can't see it at the moment. 
• I have an angel dog Barney to keep me company, and he stays by my side so sweetly.
• I have a friend who is a dog sitter-walker and she is walking Barney everyday for me while my husband is away.
• My husband left me lots of good leftovers so it's easy for me to feed myself.
• I am enjoying my spiritual practice time even if I cry through it.
• I am able to go up and down stairs comfortably, which is helping to strengthen my legs.
• I have friends who are checking on me and inviting me to things to help save my sanity.
• I now have a good cane for walking, which doesn't hurt my hand and wrist like the walking stick did.
• I have my blankie to comfort me.
• Each day I am one day closer to my husband returning home.
• I have cut way back on pain meds.   
• My soul is getting very well rinsed. (Crying = soul-rinsing)
• I have M&Ms!

    The quote below came in an email from my PT office. No. 1 is Keep Moving. 

2. Continue Pain Free Activities -- Many people with pain initially limit their activity because they are afraid to cause additional damage. As mentioned above, staying active is very important in your recovery. We would like you to keep doing as much as you can do without increasing pain. The severity of pain doesn't always match the level of damage; with that in mind be conscious of pain, but don't let it scare you.

    That's the biggie I'm dealing with right now--fear. This is a helpful reminder. 

    Progress, not perfection...

        Leta

Indigenous art near Uluru, Australia 

April 26--Too Frustrated for Words

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.  --Bertrand Russell

    I just erased everything I had written. I'm still here, still very frustrated, making it one hour at a time. 

        Leta

A black hole

April 25--Plugging Along

The madness of love is the greatest of heaven's blessings.  --Plato

    So another morning, nearly three weeks in a row now, I started off crying due to pain. It is wearing on me. I dread going to sleep knowing that the morning is going to be hell. Affirmations of "deep and restful sleep, awaking pain-free" are not working. At this point I'm feeling like affirmations and positive thinking are complete bullshit. The Universe is laughing at them. 

    I started physical therapy yesterday, scheduled for twice a week for six weeks. I am very motivated to get my strength back. I have a good set of stretching exercises to do, plus I will add MELT and core work to the process. The therapist encouraged me to continue swimming, which I shall do. I have scheduled assorted dates with friends to get me out of the house. Cubs baseball and the NBA playoffs are keeping me entertained. I'm continuing the morning meditation practice I experienced in Bali. 

    "This, too, shall pass"--a life-saving reminder.

        Leta 

From a mural in 
Christchurch, New Zealand

April 24--A Simple Reminder

Whatever you're meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible. 
--Doris Lessing

    Writing feels impossible this morning, so I'll leave you with this reminder that I keep front and center in my Google Drive:

    One hour at a time,

        Leta

April 23--Mother's Words

Of all fires love is the only inexhaustible one.  --Pablo Neruda

It's never so bad that it couldn't be worse.  --Madeline Miller

    The second quote is some of my mother's "wisdom." I believe she used it with the "suck it up, get over yourself" attitude. As I struggle with pain and inactivity, I think of this phrase a lot. I rarely have to look very far to see someone who is dealing with greater difficulties than I am. 

    I paid a visit to my MD yesterday to have my back checked out. My goal was to get a physical therapy order, and I achieved that goal. 

    A situation I witnessed a couple days ago has given me extra motivation. When I arrived at the chiropractor's office, the doctor was outside tending to minor cuts sustained by a woman who had fallen on the sidewalk. The woman's size was beyond the ability of anyone nearby to help her up. They had to call EMS to get her on her (very shaky) feet, and it was understandably very traumatic for her. This was definitely worse than my situation. More importantly, I was headed in that very same direction of extreme obesity had I not adopted the 12-Step program as a way of life. I'm very grateful for all the folks who have supported me in my journey!

    Slowly healing,

        Leta

Plus I have this sweet love angel
Barney to snuggle as I recover...

April 22--Love Our Mother

You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.  --Louise Erdrich

 As we celebrate Earth Day today, may we commit to respecting our beautiful home. May we leave behind the imprint of our awe and gratitude. May our presence impact our surroundings in a positive way. May our footprints be gentle.  --Mary Davis 

    We are here on earth to love. That means loving the earth, every one of its creatures, every bit of its vegetation, continually celebrating all its beauty, power, diversity, and wisdom. Yes, wisdom--I believe our magnificent planet is imbued with divine intelligence just like every other bit of creation. 

    I want my grandsons to be able to travel the world over and see all the glorious sites I have seen, and more. I want them to breathe fresh air and drink clean water. Don't we all want this for future generations?!?!?! Let's get serious about our responsibility for the home we all share!

        Leta

Hoka Falls, New Zealand

April 21--Heart Wisdom

If I create from the heart, nearly everything works; if from the head, almost nothing.  --Marc Chagall

    I am using this time of healing from sciatica to do as much spiritual cleanup as possible. Over the past week, I wrote a 4th Step inventory. The character defects that surfaced have been very evident in my head for quite some time, and I attempted to leave them in the releasing exercise we did in Bali. Alas, they came home with me, and I had to open my heart and spill them out in a 5th Step ("Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs"). 

    See the March 31 post about the "wise woman" I saw in Bali. Three key things she said to me were "You have to figure it out for yourself... You have to create your own happiness... You make a big deal out of everything." This last one really hit home as I was overlooking the inventory and realized that my big central issue is taking everything personally. [See "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz: #2 Don't Take Anything Personally.] My head is involved in way more stuff than it ought to be; my heart only wants freedom for my spirit and body. 

    Slowly learning, 

        Leta

April 20--Worth the Struggle?

There is scarcely any passion without struggle.  --Albert Camus

    Because I can't play right now, pickleball has elevated to a passion for me, as I am so desperate to get back to it. I am extremely grateful that I can swim, and my husband is supporting me by driving me to and from the YMCA. 

    This is Easter Sunday. I'm not Christian, or anything else for that matter. However, I do believe that Jesus gave us the perfect example of how to live well in community. He certainly demonstrated the struggle that went with his passion for loving. 

    I visited yesterday with a friend who is a retired DO. He asked me various questions about my back and leg pain, then proclaimed "it's probably a ruptured disc, it will heal, keep swimming." My passionate intention to "stay healthy and active" is definitely experiencing big-time struggle. I am resigning myself to the fact that it may be a few more weeks before I can even begin to get back to "normal." 

    One hour at a time,

        Leta

The delicious fruit we had each morning
in Bali. The purple one is dragonfruit.

April 19--Beauty Is Essential to Loving Life

Be in love with your life. Every detail of it.  --Jack Kerouac

    I'm definitely not at the "every detail" point. 

    Below is today's "Astronomy Picture of the Day." It was created digitally from photos taken of Jupiter by the Juno spacecraft. 

    Reminders of beauty such as this make me a little more amenable to loving "every detail" of my life.

        Leta

April 18--I've Had Enough

All serious daring starts from within.  --Eudora Welty

    Yesterday I made it to the YMCA for a swim. It was heaven to be in the water. I took it easy, doing about half my usual laps. I am torn between "it hurts to move" and "I must keep moving to heal this." I had to talk to myself ("just a few more steps") to make it back to my vehicle afterwards. I think I will swim again this morning, but have my husband drop me off at the door to save steps. 

    Wanna know how I really feel?!?!?!? 

I HATE THIS FUCKING PAIN!!!!!

    Leta

Somewhere in Australia

April 17--Every Single One of Them

If you have a body, you are entitled to the full range of feelings. It comes with the package.  --Anne Lamott

    Feelings--I've had 'em all these past couple of weeks. There is the joy of being home after a six-week trip, and the frustration of sciatica hampering my return to "normal" life. Giving myself rest time to recover has led to a hefty encounter with loneliness. I even wrote a 4th step inventory on my anger, resentment, self-pity and fear. I think I have covered the "full range."

    12-Step literature refers to anger as "the dubious luxury" of normal people, but poison to the addict. I can easily get high on self-righteous anger. This is not a useful state to nourish. Learning to deal with anger, or avoid it in the first place, has been a life-long challenge for me. I learned at an early age to stuff it down. 

    Getting back to swimming and pickleball will enable me to vent a lot of aggravation. 😉😉

        Leta

At Mona Vale Garden Park, Christchurch, New Zealand

April 16--Surrendering

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.  --Henry Miller

We surrender the supremacy of our ego, our self-centered demands for power, pleasure, prestige, prominence. We surrender the supremacy of our group, whether that group is defined by religion, race, politics, nationality, economic class, social status, or whatever. We even surrender the supremacy of our species, realizing that humans can’t survive and thrive unless the plankton and trees, the soil and bees, and the climate and seas thrive too. We gladly shed supremacy to make room for solidarity. That gain, we discover, is worth every cost.  --Brian McLaren

We cannot know love if we remain unable to surrender our attachment to power, if any feeling of vulnerability strikes terror in our hearts.  --bell hooks

    Vulnerability has been in my face as I recover from sciatica, and it does strike terror in my heart. It is age-related terror--the idea of being frail and dependent, being a burden, horrifies me. This makes self-love quite a challenge. 

    It is my ego that is screaming for healing--right now, damn it! Even though I would be challenged to put it into words, I also know that the love part of me is learning, much of it through writing. 

    I do believe joy and serenity will come of all this eventually.

        Leta

One of the many colorful murals
in Christchurch, New Zealand

April 15--More Grace Please

You well know that the hours in which I hate you are those when my love for you has become a passion outrunning all reason. 
--Julie-Jeanne-Eleonore de Lespinasse

    Grace is the topic that floated to the top this morning as I headed over here to the blog. Then I opened "Every Day Spirit" by Mary Davis, and today's reading is titled "Amazing Grace Please." Ms. Davis relates a story of a woman who continually chats with God, always using "please" and "thank you." And she expects results and gets them. 

    Ms. Davis offers this suggestion: "Surrender, be vulnerable, and ask. Suspend judgment and notice how you feel after." 

    Pain and slow healing have reduced me to "please help, thank you," chanted over and over through angry, frustrated tears. "This, too, shall pass" and "One hour at a time" are also on a continuous roll through my mind. 

    Grace is healing me even if I can't see much progress.

        Leta

May grace flow like this
New Zealand waterfall...

April 14--Taking Necessary Steps

One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels.  
--Gustave Flaubert

    Ain't that the truth!?!?!?!!! I have been on a roller coaster of emotion, really ever since I arrived in Bali. That's when the backache started and continued to worsen. 

    April is the 4th month, and in 12-Step programs, the focus is on Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I have done an inventory several times in the past, but in my morning quiet time, the suggestion came through that this might be a good time for another one. Immediately anger, resentment, disappointment and self-pity spilled onto the paper. Fleshing those out revealed inner gunk that I'm certainly not proud of, but that is the whole point of Step 4--to get that crap out. I will do more writing over the next couple of days, and then gratefully give it away via Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Well! Doesn't that sound like fun?!?! Actually doing Step 5 is a huge relief and release that I look forward to. 

    More shall be revealed, no doubt,

        Leta

Hopeful that it is not a freight train coming!

April 13--Loneliness

When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.  --Milan Kundera

    One of the techniques I use to explore my inner world is writing with my non-dominant hand, in my case, the left hand. It is slow going, which gives time for insights to flow through. It also is a good tool for concentration, because I do want what I output to be legible. 

    This bout of sciatica has given me huge insight into loneliness. This is not something that has troubled me much in the past. Pain is very isolating. I'm missing pickleball, swimming and golf and the many friends that go with those activities. My husband works part-time, and I don't care for him being away. Our sweet dog Barney is often my only company, and I am so grateful for that angel of love. I see how loneliness can lead to mental issues like depression or cognitive decline. I can't say at the moment that I am grateful for these insights, but hopefully such will make me more compassionate toward myself and others. 

    One minute at a time,

        Leta

My guess is that is Mt. St. Helens,
seen on our flight from Seattle to Wichita

April 12--39!! Woohoo!!

When love is not madness, it is not love.  --Pedro Calderon de la Barca

    Today my wonderful husband and I celebrate 39 years of wedded bliss, etc. 😉😉 Anyone who has been married a long time knows that it is not all bliss. I am so grateful for his loving support as I heal. 

    I am well aware that focusing on pain and discomfort is not helpful, so I'm continually reminding myself to use my higher-consciousness affirmations: 

My body knows what to do. It is healing even if I can't recognize it at the moment. 

This, too, shall pass. 

My job right now is to heal, and that's what I am doing. 

One minute at a time.

Good will come of this somehow.

Spirit within me makes me strong. 

    I have plenty of time to keep generating good thoughts. I want my healthy active life back!

        Leta

Acknowledging beauty helps...
this is from New Zealand

April 11-Our Passions Make Us

What is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person.  --John Boorman

     Some of my passions are travel, baseball, art, numbers and various forms of exercise. Those help to shape who I am. I would be a very different person if my passions were engine repair, marine biology, social work or baking. The more I enjoy my passions, the more comfortable I am with myself. 

Even in impossible situations, have faith that a higher plan is at work and that your requests for assistance have been heard.  --Mary Davis

    As I continue to struggle with sciatica pain, I am challenged to follow Davis' advice. Crying is the main way I can cope with the pain. I am wondering how much one human can cry?!?!? Multiple prayers by myself and caring others have not yet brought me any great insight. I am certainly aware of impatience and my frustration and anger at too-slow healing. 

    The "wise woman" whom I met in Bali told me that I make a big deal out of everything. This is an idea I have been pondering. I can certainly see some truth in that sentiment. Acute pain is causing me to be concerned about my mental health. Dealing with pain takes a lot of mental energy which leaves me foggy. I don't care for that challenge any more than the physical pain. 

    One step at a time,

        Leta

April 10--Grief Overload

Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas, intoxicated by the romance of the unusual.  --Ernest Hemingway

    Today is the one-year anniversary of the transition of my dear brother, Arlie. I miss him every day. 

Lift up my fears and rain down love.

Lift up my tears and rain down joy.

Lift up my blindness and rain down sight.

Lift up my darkness and rain down light.

Lift up my doubt and rain down faith.

Lift up my grief and rain down grace. 

Lift up my challenge and rain down ease. 

Lift up my worries and rain down peace. 

           --Mary Davis

    I'm living all of those "my" things right now. I'm inviting a monsoon of all those good things. 

        Leta

Mt. Agung, Bali's highest
and most sacred mountain

April 9--More Light Please

An awake heart is like a sky that pours light.  --Hafez

    This is Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation from March 30 titled "Islands of Sanity."

Richard Rohr explores the nature of evil—and our collective complicity in it.

After all our religion, higher education, reformations, and revolutions, it seems we’re still quite capable of full complicity in deeds of death. Religions, governments, corporations, and organizations are all highly capable of evil while not recognizing it as such, because it profits us for them to be immoral. Evil finds its almost perfect camouflage in the silent agreements of the group when it appears personally advantageous.

Such deadness continues to show itself in every age. This is what the multifaceted word “sin” is trying to reveal. If we don’t see the shape of evil or recognize how we are fully complicit in it, it will fully control us, while not looking the least like sin. Would “agreed-upon delusion” be a better description? We cannot recognize it or overcome it as isolated individuals, mostly because it’s held together by group consensus. We need to be in solidarity with alternative communities and minority groups to see it. The dominant group normally cannot see its lies—in any country or context. It’s the air we’re breathing, reaffirmed at every gathering of like-minded people.

The beginning of a way out is to honestly see what we are doing. The price we’ll pay is that we will no longer comfortably fit in the dominant group! Mature religion must train us to recognize the many camouflages of evil, or everyone’s future will always be dominated by some form of denied deadness, and not just for the oppressed group; the oppressor dies too, just in much more subtle ways. 

Brian McLaren writes about contemplation as a way of sustaining our spirits and minds while suffering under systems of domination:

Solitary contemplation becomes the doorway into communion—communion with the Spirit in whom we find a new relationship with ourselves, with others, with history, and with the cosmos….

Contemplation may start in silence and solitude, but it never stops there. Especially in times of crisis, when truth is drowning …, we are drawn from contemplative solitude into contemplative community. We find ourselves hungry for communion with others who are also seeking to live examined, mindful lives, to pull aside with even two or three mindful people for deep, honest fellowship. We might come together to sit in silence for a period of time or take a walk together, letting the shushing of our feet passing through autumn leaves hush the noise of a million monkey-minds clacking to the beat of a million keyboards, hankering for our attention….

When even two or three of us gather in the name of truth, honesty, and love, in the name of courage, compassion, and kindness, we find ourselves feeling joined by another presence—the presence of Christ, the way, the truth, and the life. We listen to one another with compassion and curiosity. We speak to one another with wisdom and wonder. We turn together toward the light. And that helps us create islands of sanity in a world that is losing its mind.

    I'm thinking we could use many more "islands of sanity."

        Leta

Artwork from Sydney, Australia

April 8--Most Unexpected

To love is to burn, to be on fire.  --Sense and Sensibility, 1995 Screenplay

    I'm not making any promises on blog posts for the time being. Re-entry is proving to be extremely challenging. I figured I would take a day or two to rest then return gradually to my normal active pickleball and swimming life. My body, ravaged by travel and the emotional/spiritual journey that was Bali, has elected a path of acute pain from sciatica. Pain does not lend itself to comfy sleep. Last night I tried sleeping on a recliner coach. I did not sleep at all, and spent several hours crying. Were it not for my sweet angel-love Barney staying all night on the couch with me, I don't know if I would have made it. 

    I am so scared. Scared that this pain won't ever go away. Scared that I don't have what it takes to get back in shape. Scared of the loneliness that accompanies pain. Scared of being a crippled old lady. Just plain scared. I'm getting in plenty of soul-rinsing. 

        Leta

Sweet Barney snoozing
next to me all night

April 6--"There's No Place Like Home!"

There is no instinct like that of the heart.  --George Gordon Lord Byron

    After a warm welcome by husband and doggie, a Culvers cheeseburger and malt treat, and about 14 hours of sleep, I can finally report that I made it home on time but way over budget!!

    

6-16-16-47

    We were gone 6 weeks, went on 16 different flights, stayed in 16 different hotels. We left Taipei around 11:45 pm on Friday and arrived in Seattle at 7:30 pm on Friday, before we left Taipei. (No wonder my brain is scrambled!) #47 is the fire truck number arriving just after midnight at our Seattle Marriott where some prankster pulled the fire alarm and caused an evacuation. That was great fun for a pair who had been in planes for a very long time, sleep-deprived, and still not home. 

    We are thankful for great travels and the fact that Lanie and I are looking forward to more travels together--two weeks max, however!!!

        Leta

April 3--Last Day of Bali Tour

There is a sun within every person.  --Rumi

    This is a good reminder for me. Some shine more brightly than others. 

    Today was a very relaxed last day of our Bali tour. After chanting, meditation and breakfast, I spent several hours relaxing in or by the pool. 

    Cricket found during the pandemic an excellent massage therapist, and he had him come to our room at the resort and give us the most excellent massages. I've been dealing with nasty sciatica, and he was most helpful to me. This man makes a good living by massage, even though he charges only about $15/hour. That's how inexpensive things are here. Returning home will be a shock to the purse, for sure. 

    We had our farewell dinner this evening with the whole gang: Komang (our driver), wife Julie, children Theo (5yr) and Tasha (8mo); Edi, Cricket, Lanie, Eric (joined us a week ago) and me. The weather was reasonable and there was no rain. It was great to relax together over an excellent meal. 

    SO ready to head home tomorrow! I'm not sure when my next post will be... stay tuned.

        Leta

Flowers, flowers everywhere!

April 2--Nearing the End of Our 6-Week Journey

It is the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion.  --Rebecca West

    Less than 48 hours till we head home, yippee!

    Today we left Ubud and went to a sound-healing pyramid. We reclined inside on comfy mats with pillows under our heads and knees. There were assorted gongs played for an hour. It was heavenly relaxing!

Inside the pyramid;
note how they decorate with 
colorful flower petals

    We had a fabulous healthy lunch afterwards, and this cutie came up for some loving:

    Then we visited a wood carving establishment, which had some amazing, intricate carvings, from little sea turtles to full-size dining tables with glass tops over the carving. There were even life-size statues of Jesus and Mary. Several men sit out on the porch of the place and carve all day. 

    Our next stop was a silversmith shop, where we saw the jewelry being hand-made. Though it was beautiful handiwork, I didn't find anything I couldn't live without. 

    We have returned to our first hotel (same room even!) that is in Sanur, near the airport where we leave on Friday. Lanie and I had pizza and drinks for supper and are ready to turn in early. 

    Eternally grateful for air conditioning!

        Leta

April 1--No Foolin'--I'm Homesick

Love is many things, none of them logical.  --William Goldman

    April's quote theme is PASSION. My passion right now is to get home. The calendar turning to April means that time is getting much closer. Hallelujah!

    Today after chanting, meditation and breakfast, we drove to a coffee growing/harvesting/roasting operation and had a brief tour. Then we got to sample the varieties along with delicious fried bananas. I paid a ridiculous amount to bring home a special variety which I shall describe in future detail in another post. They also had trees in the area for many different spices such as vanilla beans, pepper, cinnamon, and nutmeg. 

    Then we drove to a hot tourist spot--rice terraces. These are on a steep hillside and we watched farmers preparing the area to plant rice. It is also an adventure spot with ziplines, giant swings and bike on a wire. 

Our view at lunch

Bike on the wire

    After lunch we drove back to our hotel in Ubud, and I spent a couple hours in and by the pool. 

    Now I shall content myself for the evening with a Cubs game and an NBA game. 

    Your party animal, 

        Leta

This is a decoration in the lobby 
of our hotel. The large golden design
in the center is made of 
corrugated cardboard,
I kid you not!