April 27--There Are Bright Spots

Love is a striking example of how little reality means to us.  --Marcel Proust

    I had an extremely rough start yesterday, hence the short post with a black hole picture. I made myself go swimming, and while slogging through that, intuitive nagging (Spirit's nudge) indicated that I should make a list of positives in my life. So here goes, admittedly done with a bit of crankiness:

• I have started physical therapy with two-times-daily stretching and strengthening exercises. 
• It could always be worse. 
• My husband is well and taking good care of me and our family. 
• I don't have a terminal illness, cancer, anything long-term-horrible.
• I am able to walk short distances. 
• I'm not having any bowel or bladder difficulties with this nerve impingement. (TMI, sorry)
• I am able to swim. 
• I have Cubs baseball and NBA playoffs to entertain me, as well as the occasional Jeopardy show and nature documentary. 
• I am able to do laundry.
• I am improving, even if I can't see it at the moment. 
• I have an angel dog Barney to keep me company, and he stays by my side so sweetly.
• I have a friend who is a dog sitter-walker and she is walking Barney everyday for me while my husband is away.
• My husband left me lots of good leftovers so it's easy for me to feed myself.
• I am enjoying my spiritual practice time even if I cry through it.
• I am able to go up and down stairs comfortably, which is helping to strengthen my legs.
• I have friends who are checking on me and inviting me to things to help save my sanity.
• I now have a good cane for walking, which doesn't hurt my hand and wrist like the walking stick did.
• I have my blankie to comfort me.
• Each day I am one day closer to my husband returning home.
• I have cut way back on pain meds.   
• My soul is getting very well rinsed. (Crying = soul-rinsing)
• I have M&Ms!

    The quote below came in an email from my PT office. No. 1 is Keep Moving. 

2. Continue Pain Free Activities -- Many people with pain initially limit their activity because they are afraid to cause additional damage. As mentioned above, staying active is very important in your recovery. We would like you to keep doing as much as you can do without increasing pain. The severity of pain doesn't always match the level of damage; with that in mind be conscious of pain, but don't let it scare you.

    That's the biggie I'm dealing with right now--fear. This is a helpful reminder. 

    Progress, not perfection...

        Leta

Indigenous art near Uluru, Australia 

April 26--Too Frustrated for Words

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.  --Bertrand Russell

    I just erased everything I had written. I'm still here, still very frustrated, making it one hour at a time. 

        Leta

A black hole

April 25--Plugging Along

The madness of love is the greatest of heaven's blessings.  --Plato

    So another morning, nearly three weeks in a row now, I started off crying due to pain. It is wearing on me. I dread going to sleep knowing that the morning is going to be hell. Affirmations of "deep and restful sleep, awaking pain-free" are not working. At this point I'm feeling like affirmations and positive thinking are complete bullshit. The Universe is laughing at them. 

    I started physical therapy yesterday, scheduled for twice a week for six weeks. I am very motivated to get my strength back. I have a good set of stretching exercises to do, plus I will add MELT and core work to the process. The therapist encouraged me to continue swimming, which I shall do. I have scheduled assorted dates with friends to get me out of the house. Cubs baseball and the NBA playoffs are keeping me entertained. I'm continuing the morning meditation practice I experienced in Bali. 

    "This, too, shall pass"--a life-saving reminder.

        Leta 

From a mural in 
Christchurch, New Zealand

April 24--A Simple Reminder

Whatever you're meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible. 
--Doris Lessing

    Writing feels impossible this morning, so I'll leave you with this reminder that I keep front and center in my Google Drive:

    One hour at a time,

        Leta

April 23--Mother's Words

Of all fires love is the only inexhaustible one.  --Pablo Neruda

It's never so bad that it couldn't be worse.  --Madeline Miller

    The second quote is some of my mother's "wisdom." I believe she used it with the "suck it up, get over yourself" attitude. As I struggle with pain and inactivity, I think of this phrase a lot. I rarely have to look very far to see someone who is dealing with greater difficulties than I am. 

    I paid a visit to my MD yesterday to have my back checked out. My goal was to get a physical therapy order, and I achieved that goal. 

    A situation I witnessed a couple days ago has given me extra motivation. When I arrived at the chiropractor's office, the doctor was outside tending to minor cuts sustained by a woman who had fallen on the sidewalk. The woman's size was beyond the ability of anyone nearby to help her up. They had to call EMS to get her on her (very shaky) feet, and it was understandably very traumatic for her. This was definitely worse than my situation. More importantly, I was headed in that very same direction of extreme obesity had I not adopted the 12-Step program as a way of life. I'm very grateful for all the folks who have supported me in my journey!

    Slowly healing,

        Leta

Plus I have this sweet love angel
Barney to snuggle as I recover...

April 22--Love Our Mother

You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.  --Louise Erdrich

 As we celebrate Earth Day today, may we commit to respecting our beautiful home. May we leave behind the imprint of our awe and gratitude. May our presence impact our surroundings in a positive way. May our footprints be gentle.  --Mary Davis 

    We are here on earth to love. That means loving the earth, every one of its creatures, every bit of its vegetation, continually celebrating all its beauty, power, diversity, and wisdom. Yes, wisdom--I believe our magnificent planet is imbued with divine intelligence just like every other bit of creation. 

    I want my grandsons to be able to travel the world over and see all the glorious sites I have seen, and more. I want them to breathe fresh air and drink clean water. Don't we all want this for future generations?!?!?! Let's get serious about our responsibility for the home we all share!

        Leta

Hoka Falls, New Zealand

April 21--Heart Wisdom

If I create from the heart, nearly everything works; if from the head, almost nothing.  --Marc Chagall

    I am using this time of healing from sciatica to do as much spiritual cleanup as possible. Over the past week, I wrote a 4th Step inventory. The character defects that surfaced have been very evident in my head for quite some time, and I attempted to leave them in the releasing exercise we did in Bali. Alas, they came home with me, and I had to open my heart and spill them out in a 5th Step ("Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs"). 

    See the March 31 post about the "wise woman" I saw in Bali. Three key things she said to me were "You have to figure it out for yourself... You have to create your own happiness... You make a big deal out of everything." This last one really hit home as I was overlooking the inventory and realized that my big central issue is taking everything personally. [See "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz: #2 Don't Take Anything Personally.] My head is involved in way more stuff than it ought to be; my heart only wants freedom for my spirit and body. 

    Slowly learning, 

        Leta