August 14--Good Grief

Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything--anger, anxiety, or possessions--we cannot be free. --Thich Nhat Hanh

    Today I consider the freedom to grieve. I was blessed a couple of days ago to have a heartfelt conversation with a former yoga student about grief. He lost his wife to Covid in the past year, and he is in the midst of grieving, yet also trying to move forward. It's a delicate balance. Our "get over it!" culture is not conducive to long-term grieving. But how can you get over, in a few days or even weeks, the loss of someone you have been with for decades? It's not possible. 

    I am extraordinarily heartened by the fact that both of my sons can cry easily. Crying is soul-rinsing. It is an absolutely essential biological and spiritual function. Energy must move through and out of our bodies. Long-term containment of grief causes illnesses galore. Grief isn't pretty. We want to fix things. It makes us uncomfortable. But the only healthy way out is through. 

    Leta

Funeral Blues by: W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

August 13--Infinite One

The power of imagination makes us infinite.  --John Muir

To infinity and beyond!!! --Buzz Lightyear

    In light of these infinite thoughts, here's the tattoo I had applied to my left wrist as a gift to myself for my 58th birthday:

Infinity symbol

    This is to remind me that I am an infinite spiritual being enjoying a human experience (the game called earthly life). Some part of me and you lives forever (always was, always will be) in dimensions beyond our comprehension as humans. As infinite beings, parts of the Creative One, of course our imagination is infinite. And it is all based in love, the one and only power that exists. Yoda refers to this as the Force:

"For my ally is the Force.
And a powerful ally it is.
Life creates it, makes it grow.
Its energy surrounds us and binds us.
Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." 

    The Force is with us!

        Leta

August 12--The Fears Are There

For in the end, freedom is a personal and lonely battle; and one faces down the fears of today so that those of tomorrow might be engaged.  --Alice Walker

    I am getting older, along with many of my friends and family. Duh! We are all getting older each and every minute. What I mean is--we are now in the "senior citizen" category. There are both good and difficult aspects to this. 

    On the bright side, at least I've lived this long. I love my life. I am happy and content most of the time. I am healthy. Physically I can do the things I want to do. I continue to learn and do things that engage me mentally. I have a good spiritual practice. My relationships are supportive and satisfying. I love and I am loved. It is a necessary practice for me to stay focused on all this goodness to keep fears at bay. 

    I've come to learn what a huge component of fear lies within aging. Dealing with the fears is personal and it can feel like a very lonely job. The "fears of today," given mental energy, can become overwhelming. What is this new ache or pain? Do I have enough energy to accomplish what must be done? Why can't I remember _______? Are my loved ones OK? On top of all this, the fears of tomorrow arise. What if I get a horrid diagnosis? Will my money last as long as I do? What if something happens to my significant other? And the biggest terror of all--what if I would be put in a nursing home? 

    I can certainly see the value of being able to direct my thinking in a more nourishing and less fearful manner. That is a "personal and lonely battle," as only I can control my thinking. That is freedom. 

        Leta

P.S. A "mantra" I love: Spirit within me does not age. 

August 11--On Autopilot?

Life without liberty is like the body without spirit.  --Kahlil Gibran 

    It seems there are so many institutions attempting to control humanity:

• you must believe a certain way (religion)
• you must vote a certain way (politics)
• you must buy and consume these products (corporations)
• you must use these treatments to cure your ills (western medicine)
• you must recruit others to your beliefs (all of the above)

    If we are not careful, we can go on autopilot and just become one of the masses being manipulated. None of the "must" items above is a requirement for a good life, although we are certainly led to believe such is the case. I feel it is an excellent practice to question, question, question. Am I really using my liberty to choose, or am I being led like a "body without spirit"? 

        Leta

August 10--That Precious Decision

Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. 
--Napoleon Bonaparte

    Recognizing that I always have a choice in any circumstance rocked my world, and changed the trajectory of my life several decades ago. That realization enabled me to decide to practice recovery rather than addiction. Clearly, having the ability to decide does not necessarily make things easy. It is, however, the position of personal empowerment, which is what makes it so precious. 

    I've said it many times--no one likes anyone messing with their choices. Even those who allow others to decide for them end up in resentment. We all want to "captain our own ship." A perfect example is the current vaccination opportunity. Some folks would rather die than be vaccinated; others would rather take the chance on the vaccine's protection, and never the two groups shall agree. 

    To follow up--my wedding outfit shopping was a great success, thanks to my dear friend serving as a fashion consultant. Some alterations are needed, but I have time for those. There was a lot of precious decision-making involved. I am especially grateful for the feeling of knowing "yep, this is the one." 

    It is part of being human--the power to decide. Life is incomprehensible without free will. Be glad of it!

        Leta

August 9--A Little $$

A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.  --Clare Boothe Luce

    I live by this. I couldn't stand not having some money of my own. My mother never worked outside the home. She was completely dependent financially on my dad, which left her, she believed, trapped in a miserably unhappy relationship. Granted, I've had many opportunities that she did not have, but seeing her situation, I vowed never to let myself get in that position. Fortunately, my marriage and home life are happy ones, and I can use the money of my own for my hobbies, new experiences and travel. I know that there was a time when women could not have money of their own. I am so grateful to be alive in a time that has seen women's rights advance so far. 

    Today I am going to spend a little money of my own shopping with a dear friend for a "mother of the groom" outfit. I am as clueless as they come relative to fashion, so I need someone with me for encouragement. I also need someone to protect me from my own negative thoughts regarding clothes shopping. This outfit is for a very special occasion, and I really can't trust myself to figure it out on my own. I'll keep you posted on the outcome. 

    Bravely shopping,

        Leta

August 8--Maybe Choose Differently?

I know but one freedom, and that is the freedom of the mind. 
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    One thing I have learned is that practicing addicts have a very strong dislike, even loathing, of themselves due to seeming inability to control the addictive behavior(s). Another thing I've learned is that we always have a choice, and how we feel about and treat ourselves is a choice, too. We are so used to putting ourselves down due to past and current failures, but that is simply a long-term and well-practiced habit that CAN be changed. I don't claim that it is easy or instant. It is a practice to change any habit. The key is that it can be done, if we feel the end result is worth the effort. I know this from personal experience. I have no particular or unique skill that has enabled me to do this, just willingness and incentive to change. It is an ongoing, daily, even minute-to-minute practice. 

    Staying mindful of my thinking,

        Leta