April 17--Every Single One of Them

If you have a body, you are entitled to the full range of feelings. It comes with the package.  --Anne Lamott

    Feelings--I've had 'em all these past couple of weeks. There is the joy of being home after a six-week trip, and the frustration of sciatica hampering my return to "normal" life. Giving myself rest time to recover has led to a hefty encounter with loneliness. I even wrote a 4th step inventory on my anger, resentment, self-pity and fear. I think I have covered the "full range."

    12-Step literature refers to anger as "the dubious luxury" of normal people, but poison to the addict. I can easily get high on self-righteous anger. This is not a useful state to nourish. Learning to deal with anger, or avoid it in the first place, has been a life-long challenge for me. I learned at an early age to stuff it down. 

    Getting back to swimming and pickleball will enable me to vent a lot of aggravation. 😉😉

        Leta

At Mona Vale Garden Park, Christchurch, New Zealand

April 16--Surrendering

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.  --Henry Miller

We surrender the supremacy of our ego, our self-centered demands for power, pleasure, prestige, prominence. We surrender the supremacy of our group, whether that group is defined by religion, race, politics, nationality, economic class, social status, or whatever. We even surrender the supremacy of our species, realizing that humans can’t survive and thrive unless the plankton and trees, the soil and bees, and the climate and seas thrive too. We gladly shed supremacy to make room for solidarity. That gain, we discover, is worth every cost.  --Brian McLaren

We cannot know love if we remain unable to surrender our attachment to power, if any feeling of vulnerability strikes terror in our hearts.  --bell hooks

    Vulnerability has been in my face as I recover from sciatica, and it does strike terror in my heart. It is age-related terror--the idea of being frail and dependent, being a burden, horrifies me. This makes self-love quite a challenge. 

    It is my ego that is screaming for healing--right now, damn it! Even though I would be challenged to put it into words, I also know that the love part of me is learning, much of it through writing. 

    I do believe joy and serenity will come of all this eventually.

        Leta

One of the many colorful murals
in Christchurch, New Zealand

April 15--More Grace Please

You well know that the hours in which I hate you are those when my love for you has become a passion outrunning all reason. 
--Julie-Jeanne-Eleonore de Lespinasse

    Grace is the topic that floated to the top this morning as I headed over here to the blog. Then I opened "Every Day Spirit" by Mary Davis, and today's reading is titled "Amazing Grace Please." Ms. Davis relates a story of a woman who continually chats with God, always using "please" and "thank you." And she expects results and gets them. 

    Ms. Davis offers this suggestion: "Surrender, be vulnerable, and ask. Suspend judgment and notice how you feel after." 

    Pain and slow healing have reduced me to "please help, thank you," chanted over and over through angry, frustrated tears. "This, too, shall pass" and "One hour at a time" are also on a continuous roll through my mind. 

    Grace is healing me even if I can't see much progress.

        Leta

May grace flow like this
New Zealand waterfall...

April 14--Taking Necessary Steps

One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels.  
--Gustave Flaubert

    Ain't that the truth!?!?!?!!! I have been on a roller coaster of emotion, really ever since I arrived in Bali. That's when the backache started and continued to worsen. 

    April is the 4th month, and in 12-Step programs, the focus is on Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I have done an inventory several times in the past, but in my morning quiet time, the suggestion came through that this might be a good time for another one. Immediately anger, resentment, disappointment and self-pity spilled onto the paper. Fleshing those out revealed inner gunk that I'm certainly not proud of, but that is the whole point of Step 4--to get that crap out. I will do more writing over the next couple of days, and then gratefully give it away via Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Well! Doesn't that sound like fun?!?! Actually doing Step 5 is a huge relief and release that I look forward to. 

    More shall be revealed, no doubt,

        Leta

Hopeful that it is not a freight train coming!

April 13--Loneliness

When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.  --Milan Kundera

    One of the techniques I use to explore my inner world is writing with my non-dominant hand, in my case, the left hand. It is slow going, which gives time for insights to flow through. It also is a good tool for concentration, because I do want what I output to be legible. 

    This bout of sciatica has given me huge insight into loneliness. This is not something that has troubled me much in the past. Pain is very isolating. I'm missing pickleball, swimming and golf and the many friends that go with those activities. My husband works part-time, and I don't care for him being away. Our sweet dog Barney is often my only company, and I am so grateful for that angel of love. I see how loneliness can lead to mental issues like depression or cognitive decline. I can't say at the moment that I am grateful for these insights, but hopefully such will make me more compassionate toward myself and others. 

    One minute at a time,

        Leta

My guess is that is Mt. St. Helens,
seen on our flight from Seattle to Wichita

April 12--39!! Woohoo!!

When love is not madness, it is not love.  --Pedro Calderon de la Barca

    Today my wonderful husband and I celebrate 39 years of wedded bliss, etc. 😉😉 Anyone who has been married a long time knows that it is not all bliss. I am so grateful for his loving support as I heal. 

    I am well aware that focusing on pain and discomfort is not helpful, so I'm continually reminding myself to use my higher-consciousness affirmations: 

My body knows what to do. It is healing even if I can't recognize it at the moment. 

This, too, shall pass. 

My job right now is to heal, and that's what I am doing. 

One minute at a time.

Good will come of this somehow.

Spirit within me makes me strong. 

    I have plenty of time to keep generating good thoughts. I want my healthy active life back!

        Leta

Acknowledging beauty helps...
this is from New Zealand

April 11-Our Passions Make Us

What is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person.  --John Boorman

     Some of my passions are travel, baseball, art, numbers and various forms of exercise. Those help to shape who I am. I would be a very different person if my passions were engine repair, marine biology, social work or baking. The more I enjoy my passions, the more comfortable I am with myself. 

Even in impossible situations, have faith that a higher plan is at work and that your requests for assistance have been heard.  --Mary Davis

    As I continue to struggle with sciatica pain, I am challenged to follow Davis' advice. Crying is the main way I can cope with the pain. I am wondering how much one human can cry?!?!? Multiple prayers by myself and caring others have not yet brought me any great insight. I am certainly aware of impatience and my frustration and anger at too-slow healing. 

    The "wise woman" whom I met in Bali told me that I make a big deal out of everything. This is an idea I have been pondering. I can certainly see some truth in that sentiment. Acute pain is causing me to be concerned about my mental health. Dealing with pain takes a lot of mental energy which leaves me foggy. I don't care for that challenge any more than the physical pain. 

    One step at a time,

        Leta