September 30--Mess and Complication

What are you going to do? Everything, is my guess. It will be a little messy, but embrace the mess. It will be complicated, but rejoice in the complication. 
--Nora Ephron

"Wake me up when September ends." (See Sept. 24 post.) 

    I'm in the midst of a huge mess and complication. You are getting a look straight into my soul with this writing. I'm not yet at the point of embracing and rejoicing. 

    I spent months devoted to an intense self-healing journey, all for naught, because I still need hip replacement surgery, scheduled for Oct. 14. I can't stop crying. It's another in a LLLOOONNNGGG series of disappointments that has broken my relationship with myself and with Spirit.

    Certainly there are many positives in this. I'll be out of pain, hopefully, and will be able to sleep better. I'll be able to walk more comfortably for longer distances. Medicare will pay for it (as of tomorrow!!). I like the surgeon and his staff--they answered all my questions and were very reassuring. I know I can regain my strength via swimming, as I did that after the YMCA re-opened after a three-month shutdown. I am in perfect health heading into the procedure. The new hip joint, quite the birthday present, will outlive me, most likely. My husband will be a great support person through the whole process. 

    Looking at my upset and distress, messy and complicated, I've uncovered several things: 

• Disappointment has been a huge theme in my life, and this is just another in that series. And, yes, I have been working with a support person on this one for years. 
• I had this surgery scheduled a couple years ago with a different doctor, and I was really looking forward to getting it done. Then I asked one too many questions, and that surgeon cancelled on me. I'm feeling gun-shy as a result, despite the fact that this new doctor and his staff are perfectly fine. There's a undercurrent of mistrust within me. 
• Of course, there's some fear going into it, that something awful will happen, and it won't be the simple recovery everyone expects, or I'll still be in pain.
• It means even more confinement at home, and I'm already going nuts as it is.
• I don't know when I'll get to see my sons again. This is probably the most upsetting. 
• My relationship with my higher power is cracked at best, if not completely broken. I expect this to be temporary, but for right now, there's no comfort there. After spending many hours in meditation over the past few months, the thought of it now makes me gag. 

    The theme for October's writings is "Tranquility." I'm certainly in dire need of that, and will continue this saga relative to surgery and recovery as the month progresses.

    Thankful for the end of another September that sucked,

        Leta

September 29--Use Me

It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them.  --La Rochefoucauld

    Hmmm... well, here goes. To me, the "management" of great qualities means the productive use of them. "Great qualities" would include love, integrity, reliability, honesty, loyalty, kindness, equanimity, open-mindedness, faith, confidence and joy. Productive use of these is employing each as a natural part of daily living, in all situations and relationships. This quote is a fancy way of saying "walk the walk, don't just talk the talk." 

    Lately I've been adding to my prayers, "Use me." I know I can count on Spirit to do that. I don't know what form my next usefulness will take, but I can count on Spirit finding a joyful way to use my great qualities, based on past experience. Spiritual "nudges" have led me into great adventures of love, learning and usefulness. 

    Happy to be here, 

        Leta

September 28--Work<>Life

Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. The second is only a part of the first.  --Anna Quindlen

    I'm displaying my math nerdiness... <> means "not equal." The other symbol for that is an equal sign with a slash through it, but I don't have that on my keyboard. As you can tell, I'm rather proud of my math nerdiness.

    Back to the quote. Despite my addictive personality, I have never been a workaholic. I think my introvert nature encouraged me to get away from work to maintain my sanity, even with the one job that I dearly loved. That job was being a finance manager at a church. Since my family also attended that church, and both sons worked there at one time or another, life and work had murky boundaries back then. However, it did work fairly well, until it stopped working completely. Then, quitting that position brought work back into its proper place in my life.

    It's a very slippery slope, especially if one has people-pleasing or codependent tendencies, letting one's work overtake life. One takes on more and more, losing the will to set any boundaries or say "no" to more responsibility. There can also be an irrational drive for things such as more money, success, status or market share. As we've seen so often in the past couple of decades, cutbacks force those remaining to take on more and more work. Resentment is the ultimate result of letting work overtake life, and if that is practiced long enough, it ends in remorse--no one on their deathbed expresses a desire to have worked more. 

    I've watched my sons go from long, hard hours working in a restaurant, bringing with it lots of emotional baggage, to jobs where they put in their time and are able to leave work at work. Both men are much happier now, and their lives are thriving outside of work. It's a joy to see!

    Is your life a part of your work, or is your work a part of your life? This is worth pondering!

        Leta

September 27--Grace

I do not understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.  --Anne Lamott

    I don't understand grace either, but I am surely glad for it. It's that Presence that loves us no matter what human messes we may get ourselves into. Grace works even when I end a sentence with a preposition. 😉

    Grace brought me to the 12-Step program when I had very little hope and no money for counseling. Grace brought my husband and I together, despite the fact that I grew up in Pennsylvania and he grew up in Missouri. Grace sustained me through the grueling yoga teacher training. Grace is working overtime to keep me sane during this pandemic. Grace heals me in all sorts of ways. In these and many more instances, grace met me where I was and left me in much better shape. I am so grateful for the constant working of grace in my life.

    Where have you seen grace transform an area of your life? 

        Leta

September 26--Harmony is a Necessity

Because we all share this planet earth, we have to learn to live in harmony and peace with each other and with nature. This is not just a dream, but a necessity. 
--Dalai Lama XIV

    Clearly, the current disharmony and distress we are living in is not working. Our leadership has taken us on a path of destruction, both in interpersonal relationships and in treatment of our earthly home. It is heart-breaking and gut-wrenching, because this disharmony is not our natural God-given loving state. Bringing things back into harmony is a necessity, because as we can plainly see, the other path leads to more and greater destruction. 

    The following comes from a daily meditation by Richard Rohr of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC): 

From Richard: Today, I introduce you to my friend Adam Bucko, who is a devoted Christian contemplative, Episcopal priest, activist, and friend to the poor. He collaborates with spiritual leaders across religious traditions and mentors young people, helping them discover a spiritual life for the 21st century and live in the service of compassion and justice. Here he reflects on what he sees as a spiritual awakening in younger generations.

For younger people, many of us, it’s very clear we see God as present in all of the traditions. . . . Not only do they believe that there is one underlying reality at the foundation of all major world religions but they are also convinced that different traditions and their unique approaches to God complement each other. . . .

But it’s also important to say, a lot of young people don’t actually identify with a tradition any more. . . . Many of our churches, synagogues and mosques are freaking out when they hear this, thinking that young people are no longer interested in the sacred. But to me it is clear that young people are not necessarily rejecting God, they simply feel that many religious organizations lost touch with reality and are too concerned with money, power, self-preservation, maintaining the status quo, and ‘having right beliefs’. As a result, they tend to view them . . . as organizations that are spiritually bankrupt, that are no longer able to speak to and address some of the big questions of our time. And it takes deep insight and spiritual courage to see that. It is for this reason and many others that I don’t think of the rise of the ‘spiritual but not religious’ among our youth as a sign of spiritual decline but rather a new kind of spiritual awakening. . . .

We have to acknowledge that when people hear about spiritual and not religious people, they often immediately think that these are people who are just shopping around and not really that committed. . . . But when we look at some of the people who come from that group, we realize that actually many of them spend more time [in spiritual practices] than regular churchgoers.

From Richard: I can honestly say that I have observed many of these same things in my work with young people at the CAC. I do not see a lack of spirituality and good faith in many seekers of the next generation, but an abundance of it and a deep desire to live with integrity and in alignment with their values. Such people are not satisfied with a faith simply handed to them by an institution or the previous generation. They insist on investigating what is truly important for transformation and a more just and compassionate world.

    This writing describes me, even though I'm not a "young person." I have a very rich spiritual life and no need for any religious organization. In speaking with my son last night, I told him I see so much promise in his generation, because I see there "a deep desire to live with integrity and in alignment with their values," as Richard states. I believe that will ultimately lead us to living in harmony and peace.
    Lastly I share a line I wrote to a friend this week: Isn't it comical to think that some of us come from one god, some of us from another, and THEY come from THAT god. Humans are dense sometimes 😉

    In joy,

        Leta

September 25--Living Well

Happiness is not a goal; it's a by-product of a life well lived.  --Eleanor Roosevelt

    There is a similar quote in 12-Step literature: "When we live well, we are well." What does living well, "a life well lived," consist of? 

    Inner peace and sanity. There's so much going on in our world that pulls me off center. So much of it makes me crazy. I know I have a fountain of peace within me that overcomes "outside me" if I stay focused on that peace. I am taking a long break from news and Facebook. With all that's going on in my own life, I simply can't handle any more from "the world" and stay sane. 

    Good relationships. I have those. They come from living in integrity, being true to the values I hold dear. I interact with folks as my real self, without need to justify or apologize for my existence. I appreciate the people in my life and I tell them so. I make amends when I slip up. I am grateful for all the love in my life, flowing in both directions. 

    Creativity. We all create our own experiences of life. While there are occasional low spots, I can genuinely say "I love my life." I have always been creative in arts and crafts. It makes me happy to create something new, be it a crocheted blanket or barn quilt painting. Imagination is a powerful tool of a life well lived. 

    Usefulness. This can come from satisfying work, being a volunteer, managing a family and household, whatever gives that feeling of being of service in some way. I do a variety of things in my "work" life, but I enjoy them all so much, they are not work. It's fun to be useful in an assortment of ways. 

    Fit spiritual condition. I have a daily spiritual practice that supports my inner peace and sanity. I maintain an ongoing dialogue with my Higher Power. I support myself and others with prayer. That emptiness inside that I once tried to fill with food is now the residing place of Spirit--a fullness that I could never have imagined in my active-addiction days. 

    Being teachable. I am willing and excited to learn. While it can be challenging, I strive to keep an open mind. I love exploring all that is "Leta." I especially love learning about our magnificent planet Earth and all the life and nature upon it. When I think about my many vocations, I see that all of them have huge learning potential (taxes, yoga, Melt, coaching), which is one of the things that make those activities so enjoyable. 

    Enough from me. What is the meaning of "a life well lived" for you?

        Leta 

 

"I am Universe"

September 24--I Digress

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is a nobler art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials. 
--Lin Yutang

    I leave this quote to you, dear readers, to ponder for yourselves.

    Today is a memorable day for me that I feel I must acknowledge. 41 years ago today my mother died. 20 years ago today my father died. Yep, same date. What are the chances of that happening? That's a rhetorical question--I know there is a statistical answer. I don't believe in coincidence. Maybe it happened that way so I'd pack all my sadness into one day only? My mother passed when I was just shy of age 24. She's been gone so long, it's almost like I never had a mother. While I think of her often, I don't miss her. My dad, however--I miss him every day. My parents didn't get along with each other, so maybe my dad did it to piss off my mom, so that she couldn't have her very own solo day. September has often been a rough month for me, but I don't know if that started before or after or between their deaths. In any case, both parents dying in the same month is one of the biggest black marks one could smear on a month. 

    I never thought I'd hear this Libra say this, but I'm tired of the September theme of "Balance." Peeking ahead to October, I see the theme of "Tranquility." Hallelujah! October is also my birth month, and it's my favorite month of the year--the upswing after September. 

    Thanks for putting up with my digression. Six more days till October,

        Leta

P.S. It turns out that Green Day does a song that's relevant. You can listen here: